...welcome to my ramblings...


Is it really that hard to be a grown up?

     If you've read a few of my blog posts, you probably know I am easily bothered by others.  I don't really let others get me down or really effect my daily life, however, I am often baffled by how others act.  I often question why people do the things they do.  Recently, I have been wondering why there are so many adults that still act like teenagers?  Now if you are a teenager, don't take offense to that last remark.  In fact, if you are reading this and you're a teenager, you are probably more mature than the adults I'm referring to.
     Why are there so many adults who enjoy getting involved in drama?  Why are there so many adults who help to create drama?  Why are there so many adults who don't try to diffuse drama among others, but instead they fuel it or even instigate it?  Are these adults aware of the ugly mess they are helping to create?  Are these adults stuck in jr. high? 
     I really just don't know how to handle people that claim to be an adult, or rather, their age says they are, but instead they act like a two-faced, drama-filled high school student.  (Again, if you are a high school student, you probably aren't two-faced or drama-filled, but I bet you know someone who is.)  Is it really that hard to be the adult?  Is it really that hard to act like a grown up?  Seriously, is it???


Family & friends keep me feeling connected...

     It's been awhile since I decided to actually write something on here.  I guess I've just been busy with life.  I found out I am expecting another child & I've been battling so-called "morning sickness" ever since.  I have been thinking a lot about family, friends & so-called friends.  That's where this post is coming from...my latest thoughts.

     I am lucky to have family that is there for me.  Regardless of what we are going through or how our opinions might differ, we are there for each other.  That's how family is supposed to be, however there are many out there that aren't blessed with a family who loves them unconditionally.  For those people, I am very sorry.
     That's where friends come in...friends are also supposed to be there for you, no matter what.  Friends are supposed to love you unconditionally.  Friends like this are like family.  There is a connection there - a bond, which is close to that bond you have with your family.  Friends like these don't come around very often in life.  These friends could move away, and yet when you see them, it's as if you have seen one another every day for years.  Friends like this are important.
     Then there are so-called friends.  People who call you their friend, but aren't necessarily there for you.  They are there to see how you can benefit them.  They do not love you unconditionally.  They will act one way when you are around & then when you aren't there, they may even talk bad about you. They will try to connect with you, if you have something they need or want.  The connection with them isn't healthy.  In fact, I find it to be destructive.  I say, be weary of these friends.
     For now, I think I'm done with my rant.  I just want to say I am so thankful for a family who will always be there....and there are a lot of them!  I am also very thankful that I have a few friends that I will be connected to forever. 


Going deeper....

     Is it rare to want to go deeper?  To want to really get to know other people on a deeper level?  To get past the superficial surface relationships & delve into real, personal, honest relationships?  If it isn't rare to have the desire, why is it so rare to find other people willing to get real & go deep?
     I believe that our life experiences help to form the person we are at any given point in our life.  Experiences from our childhood & teenage years are especially formative.  I also believe that experiences we saw our parents, or other loved ones go through have an effect on how we relate to others.  These previous experiences are generally the reasons why people don't go deeper in most of their relationships; trusting people or letting them "get in" could be illogical.  What I mean is, maybe a previous experience, either one of their own or one they saw someone go through, is holding them back from genuinely trusting people.  The question then is, how do we reshape our thoughts to allow for more trust in people?
      I'm always saying I want people to be real.  I'm always longing for deeper relationships with people.  I'm always expecting people to let go of the superficial and get real.  But am I really ready to do that myself?  I haven't experienced any real hurt that would lead to a lack of trust in others, but unfortunately, I have seen deep hurt up close and personal in lives of loved ones.  The hurt I saw as a young teenager has created a fear inside of me.  I'm afraid to get too close to any one person, for fear they will hurt me.  Now there are a few exceptions in my life, my family, my husband, and one friend.  There are a couple of friends that are close, but not too close.  And still others who may think of me as a close friend, but in my mind, they are more like acquaintances. 
     Some might say, "Well, you are lucky you have just one good friend in your life."  But honestly, isn't life all about relationships?  As Christians, shouldn't we long to get past the superficial with other Christians?  Why is it I feel like most of my superficial relationships are in Christians circles?  Others may say, "Well you can't be best friends with everyone!"  To that I say, you're right, but I think most people say that because they don't want to let down their walls either.  I believe that statement to be an excuse for people, a sort of justification of their own behaviors.
     I don't really know why I'm putting this out into the blogosphere, but I am.  I really just wonder how many other people are afraid of getting hurt by someone?  I didn't really know that I was, but I must be; I know I don't let people in too easily.  Aren't we all just wandering the world, longing for human connections?  Aren't we all just longing for deeper relationships?


Never easy...

     Today I was reminded that admitting you are wrong does not come natural.  This morning while playing out the usual wake up routine in my bed with my son & husband, Aaron reminded me how truly difficult it is to say two simple words, 'I'm sorry.' 
     The usual morning tickle monster visited the bed & Aaron was doing the typical laugh with glee, but asking the monster to stop tickling.  Finally Aaron had really had enough and slapped daddy in the face, although both mommy & daddy were doing the tickling; poor daddy always gets the worst of it.  Daddy received a couple of slaps in the face from Aaron.  I grabbed Aaron & demanded he tell his daddy he was sorry.  Aaron was not having it.  He whined & cried & buried his face in the bed.  He writhed around trying to avoid the inevitable apology.  He was not going to do it.  He started to reply to my demands saying, "I'm sorry is the yuckiest thing in the whole life!"  Wow!  How stubborn can one child be?!  Did I really have a 2 year old that thought admitting his wrongs was the worst thing in the world?  Had I taught him this by my own actions?  Or was this something that was just innate; some feeling every one of us is born with?   This was definitely not something Aaron wanted to do.  He knew he had done wrong and didn't want to admit to it.  He didn't want to say he was sorry because that meant he was admitting he was wrong.  After over 15 minutes of pleading, Aaron finally apologized to his daddy.
     After reflecting on the event, I was reminded about my own inability to apologize.  How often do I swallow my pride and actual apologize for something wrong I know I have done?  How often is my first instinct to just writhe around in my discomfort and hope that the feeling of conviction will go away? 


I Wonder...

     I wonder.  That's it, I wonder.  There are so many thoughts that go through my head every day.  These thoughts are about everything and anything. 
     I wonder when I will have time to do all of the "tasks" that need to get done around the house.  Things like laundry, dishes and dusting to even more in depth projects like cleaning out the back room, decorating the side room & getting new curtains.  I wonder what I will cook for dinner.  I wonder if dinner will taste good.  I wonder when I will have time to make sure each member of my family feels that I am 100% here for them.
     I wonder what my future will hold.  I wonder if my husband and I will have another child. I wonder if we will live in California forever.  I wonder if our son will go to college or be a rockstar.  I wonder if my son will have any children.  I wonder if he will get married.  I wonder if he will know how much his dad and I love him.  I wonder how active I will be when I'm 60. 
     I wonder if I will ever accomplish my life goals.  I have accomplished some, but I wonder if certain dreams I've had since I was a small child will one day become reality.  I wonder if I will ever publish a book.  I wonder if I will ever become a teacher.  I wonder if I will ever make a difference.
     I wonder if I will ever stop being annoyed and derailed by people.  I wonder if I will ever stop letting peoples attitudes and actions dictate my own.  I wonder if I will ever step up and completely and honestly love even the hardest ones to love; the ones who think they know everything or have to do everything and really just end up annoying everyone around them.  I wonder if I will ever stop being cynical.  I wonder if I will ever change.
   I wonder...


Unresolved guilt...

     Have you ever felt a feeling of unresolved guilt?  A kind of guilt that you can't let go of?  A guilt that you can ask forgiveness for, but you feel as though you can't forgive yourself?  Unfortunately, I have come to know this feeling over the past month or two.
     It all starts with a friend.  A friend I love and adore.  A friend I have known since our sweet and innocent days.  A friend that I was best friends with from Kindergarten - 12th Grade. We were so close.  We knew each other inside and out.  We could finish each other's sentences.  We knew each other's families and felt as though we were family.  I'm not sure how it happened, but that closeness we once shared, that we talked about sharing forever, somehow faded over time.  After we graduated from high school and went our separate ways, the closeness we thought we would never lose, was in fact, lost.  Don't get me wrong, whenever we would see each other or talk to each other, it was like we'd never been apart.  But the time we spent together or talked was very rare.  People tell me that's what happens as you get older.  You go your way, they go their way, you lose contact with each other and life goes on.  But I wonder, does it have to be this way?  We were best friends, not just acquaintances.
     This friend of mine lost her father in 2008.  I didn't find out until 2009.  There were many variables as to why I didn't find out.  Apparently she didn't have my cell number.  She tried calling my parent's, but they were out of town.  Another friend of ours was asked to notify everyone; well she didn't have my number either.  This friend ended up remembering much later, she could contact me via Myspace, so she did.  That's when I found out.  Much later.  I wasn't there for my friend.  I wasn't there for my best friend of 13 years in a serious time of need.  I didn't even make it to the funeral, because I didn't even know about it.
     Well, this friend just got married this past weekend.  Luckily we have since made contact, and I was able to share in this joyous day.  Thinking about the upcoming wedding, I began thinking about who wouldn't be there, her father.  This is when I began thinking about how I wasn't there for her.  I am so glad I was able to be there at the start of this next chapter in her life.  I just can't seem to get over the fact that I wasn't there for her in her darkest hour.  I feel so horrible.  I don't know when I can forgive myself.  I have this feeling of unresolved guilt that I don't know if I will ever let go of.
     I am now going to make it a point to keep in touch.  There is no reason to give up on a friendship.  Well, I guess is the friend is toxic and causing you harm, but in most cases, there is no reason.  This friend was so close; she was not toxic at all.  Why did I give up?  There is not a good enough reason.  I should've been there for her - through it all.  Jesus wouldn't give up on a friendship, why do we?  Why did I?   


Let me be real...

     One of my biggest dislikes, or really hates, is when people are fake.  I crave authenticity in others.  If I think people are not be real with me, I will probably eventually shut them out.  This isn't a good habit and it's not something I'm proud of, but it's true.  I feel if I want people to be real with me, I should be real too.  So this post is coming from a totally honest place.  I'm not sure why I'm putting it out in the blogosphere, but I am.
     Doing self reflection is something I seem to do often.  I feel as a mature Christian adult, it is something I should do often.  Well, I recently came to the realization that I am quite cynical of people.  Most of the cynicism is directed at other Christians.  I don't necessarily like this quality, but I don't know how to really change it either.  The only answer I know right now is to pray.
     After doing even more reflection, I realized that this cynicism wasn't always a quality of mine.  It seems to be something that has formed over time.  I noticed that as a pre-teen & teen I was more judgmental of other Christians.  Again, another trait of mine I'm not really proud of.  I wonder if the two are sort of related?  Is it a natural progression to be somewhat judgmental and then eventually turn that into cynicism?
     Here are the definitions of the two: Judgmental = Inclined to make judgments, especially moral or personal ones.   Cynical = Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others; feeling of distrust.
     Again, not sure why I am posting this on here.  I just know I need to be real with people.  Not sure if people read this or not.  I hope & pray that over time, with God's help, I can change my cynicism into hope of what Christ can do & will do through those around me.  As for now, I'm trying....


Self absorbed or searching?

     In today's world are we all just a little too self absorbed?  Do we really think that anyone actually cares and wants to read a play by play list of our daily activities?  With Myspace, Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz and all of the other "networking" sites making such a daily impact on mainstream life, does this tell us that as a whole, we are just eager to connect to others?  I'm not exactly sure what it all means.  Do we really read every entry that our so called "friends" write or do we just enjoy putting our own interesting (or not) thoughts out there in the mysterious beyond?
     This brings up another question...why do people blog?  Some people who blog actually have hundreds, thousands, even millions of followers - and maybe they write for a whole different reason than me.  Why do I write?  I don't even know if anyone reads any of my blog entrys.  But the truth, I like to write.  I like the idea of just getting my thoughts on paper, or in this instance, into the blogosphere.  Whether or not another person is reading them doesn't matter.  I am not looking for validation or searching for some great debate partners.  I really just want to write.  Maybe one day I'll write something that I want to share with others, but for now, it's just dribble for the joy of writing.
     Back to the other question...do we really live in a more self absorbed society than that of previous generations?  I don't think so; we've been self absorbed since the beginning of time.  I really think everyone just wants to connect with people.  That is at our core as humans; to connect.  Whether we do it face to face, on the phone or on Twitter, connection is what we all desire.  Trying to make a connection on Twitter may be difficult and probably a little bit egocentric, but it is still a way to attempt to connect to someone else.  So are we self absorbed or searching...I say a little of both.  


...Absolutely Thankful...

I am thankful for my affectionate husband.
I am thankful for my adorable son.
I am thankful for my altruistic parents.
I am thankful for my adoring God.
I am thankful for my auspicious life.


New things...

     I'm always a little apprehensive when it comes to trying new things.  I don't usually show my anxiety to the outside world, but inside I am totally nervous and, I admit it, a little worried about what others might think. But I don't let that stop me from doing something I want to do.  In fact, the wonder of what others might think may be a part of what pushes me to actually do something new and different.
     Last night I tried something new and completely different than anything I've ever done.  I took a new type of work out class.  I wasn't with a friend or relative; I went all by myself.  It was something that some may view as inappropriate.  Some may look at me a little different for even attempting this new type of art form.  But I don't care.  I had fun.  On the way home I could even feel my abs!  They had definitely had a workout!
     This morning I woke up sore from my new work out.  If you are one to work out, you know when you wake up sore from a work out, it's sort of a good feeling.  You feel good knowing that what you did actually made some sort of positive impact on your body.  That's what I felt this morning when I woke up sore.  I was so happy that I had worked out my body and had fun while doing it.
     I think I am going to continue this new work out.  I'll be signing up for a six week course.  Hopefully my body won't kill me for it.  Trying new things is good. 


Another birthday post...a few years later...

     So yesterday was my birthday.  I remember being younger and waking up with so much excitement on my birthday, because I was another year older!  Now on my birthday, I'd rather just keep sleeping when I wake up.  Not that I'm afraid of getting older, but because I just really enjoy sleeping.  Also, I don't really find that much excitement in the fact that I am another year older. 
     Birthdays are now just another day.  I have a wonderful husband who tries to make the day special.  Yesterday we had a great day spending time together during the afternoon, before he had to go to work.  It was a fabulous day.  But it could have just as well been something we did on an afternoon in June.  What I mean by that is, there is no reason why the time we spent together was just for my birthday.  We love each other & we love spending time together, so yesterday was just another day of us loving spending time together.  He did get me some great gifts...but he actually gives me great gifts all the time.  I'm lucky that way.
     Anyway, what I think I'm trying to say is that now that I am 31, my birthday really just seems like another day.  Actually, it made me sort of reflect on age in general.  I started thinking about my age and my friends ages.  I thought about how in a couple of years, I will have friends who are 50 or close to 50.  That is strange to think about.  I still remember when my grandma was only 55 - and I thought that was old.  I started thinking about my parents age.  I think about how old my parents are & how they were both younger than me when they had me.  Nick brought up another thought, what must my parents feel like to have their youngest child turn 31.  I hadn't even thought about how my age made anyone else feel.  I asked my dad about it; he said he & my mom had talked about it that morning.  They had talked about how their baby was 31, and about how old that made them feel.  That made me start thinking more.  I started thinking about how I will feel when my son, Aaron is an adult. 
   It's crazy how much thinking and reflection my 31st birthday has spawned.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe once you reach a certain age, 31 for me, birthdays are meant for reflection and deep thought.  Maybe as an adult, birthdays are there as a reminder of who you once were, a statement of who you are now and a glimpse of who you are going to become.  A day to celebrate that God has allowed you to live another year and a day to meditate on who God wants you to become.