...welcome to my ramblings...


I'm mad...because he's mad...

     This morning, an hour after we'd dropped Aaron off at school, my 2 year old, Layla said, "I'm mad, mom!  But I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at Aaron." I asked her why she was mad at her brother, he wasn't even here and he hadn't done anything mean to her this morning.  She replied, "I'm mad at Aaron because sometimes he gets mad at me, because I get mad at him, because he gets mad at me..."  I began to realize that she wasn't really mad, she just wanted to pretend to be mad at someone and since he sometimes makes her mad, he was an easy target since he wasn't around to defend himself.

     As I began to think about my daughter and her displaced anger, I thought about how many times we as adults, as people, get angry.  How many times we get angry for unknown reasons. How often we project our hurt and confused emotions onto others as anger. How often we have displaced anger.  So many times in life we hear someone might be angry with us from another person, so instead of talking to the person, we just hold it inside and get angry at them, for being angry at us. Other times we feel like someone is angry with us, so we get angry at them, because we feel if they're angry at us, we have to be angry at them. Or even still, our friend or loved one will talk to us about a person they are angry with and we feel we need to be angry with them too, because if they are angry at our loved one, well then they must be angry at us too!  Oh help us, Lord.

     Please understand that I am not saying anger is bad. Anger is a feeling, like all feelings, we are allowed to feel it and will feel it many times as humans. However, it is just that, an emotion. We feel many different emotions throughout any given day. This is how we were created. The problem lies in holding onto our anger. So often we hold our anger, because we are really hurt and are afraid if we let go of our anger we will end up hurt again. Anger helps us to believe that we are no longer vulnerable and that somehow we are now safe, because we've put up this anger roadblock. But holding onto anger is not ok. Holding onto anger will create a war within our own heart and mind.

     The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 7:9 "Do not let anger upset your spirit, for anger lodges in the bosom of a fool." Ouch...did your read that? Don't let it upset our spirit?! Oh man, that's hard. How many times have you allowed anger to completely change your day, your mood, your spirit? I'd rather not count, thank you. In Ephesians 4:26 it says "'Be angry, but do not be willing to sin." Do not let the sun set over your anger." I've heard the last part of that verse quoted often, but I've rarely heard the first part, "do not be willing to sin." Um, does that mean I can't sit in my anger and plot against whoever has made me angry? I can't just block that person who made me angry out of my life? Life would be so much easier if we could do that, don't you think? If you make me mad, I'll just block you out of my life, hold my anger for you inside and if I ever see you, I'll just completely pretend you don't exist....if only. Thank God He doesn't block me out when I make Him angry!

     As a Christian, I am so glad I don't have to process all of my anger by myself...cause if it were left to me, I wouldn't process it at all!  I'm so thankful that I have a God who is bigger than any of my anger issues.

Wow...that was a lot from just a little statement from my 2 year old. Thanks for reading...


Let's suck it up & get real.

People don't wanna grow. 
People don't like change. 
Growth is change. 
Faced with change we're forced to get real. 
Real can get ugly.
Real can hurt.
Real can be embarrassing.
Real can be hard to swallow.
Real has to happen before growth can happen.
People really wanna grow;
We're just afraid of getting real.


So, I think I had an epiphany...

      I grew up in church. I've been in church my entire life. I'm proud of the heritage I have and I'm very thankful for my parents and their belief to bring up their children in church. I want to bring my children up in the church too. I grew up watching those I love serve in the church. I began serving in church at a young age. I continued serving in church into adulthood. After some time, I became bitter and cynical; I was angry with people in the church. I wanted to know how they could call themselves "christians" yet just sit on the sidelines and watch. How could they come to church and, in my opinion, do nothing?
     I decided to take a break from serving so much. I thought it best to take a step back, maybe visit other churches and just do my own version of sitting back and watching, like those who I had become so angry with - of course, that didn't help much, maybe just put a band-aid on a gaping wound. However, during that time I stepped out of the center of it all, I still desired something more; I still desired God's will for my life and I still do today. That time has made me realize something major; I think I had an epiphany.
    I started to think about the church I had spent most of my life in. All churches have their issues and I'm sure they're all basically caused by the same thing - people. If I think back from the1980's, when my family started attending the church I grew up in, through today, I can pinpoint relationship issues, people issues, that had a detrimental effect on the church as a whole. All of the people within the church may not have all been involved, nor did they always even know there was something going on. As I look back though, I can see people leaving, people getting upset, people getting bitter about something someone said to them or something someone did to them or something someone didn't say to them or something someone didn't do to them, etc. Lots of hurt feeling, lots of emotions, many relationships ruined and many people leaving the church - not just this church, but the church in general. It's sad. I've seen this my whole life, so honestly it's nothing new to me & it's probably not new to you.
     Here's where it gets interesting. I recently had an "aha" moment, an epiphany if you will. Some of you have probably realized this long ago, but please, humor me. What if one of those times people didn't leave the church, or this church? What if instead of getting angry or bitter, we realized that it's not about what someone did or didn't do; what if we realized that all of this drama is caused by the enemy? What if one day we all realized that all along, Satan has been at work, trying to destroy the potential of this church?! What if we realized we are all in this together - really, I mean we all say the words, but what if we really acted as if we are family? Can you imagine how we could squash Satan, instead of letting him continually squash the work of our Lord? 
     I'm going to start looking at people differently. It's hard, but if we just drop our expectations of how we should be treated and just start really loving people - including forgiving and really forgetting - we would be surprised and in awe of the amazing things our Lord has in store for us, as well as for His church.


Older & wiser?

It has been said as you get older you also get wiser.  Many people picture an old man with white hair and glasses as the wise man who has been through so much in his life; they imagine a person who has lived a long life and now has all of the answers. However, I clearly feel wiser now, at 34 than I did at 24. Do I believe that I have all of the answers? No - actually quite the opposite. I actually feel that wisdom isn't what you know, it's how comfortable you feel with what you don't know & realizing that really, you don't know a lot.

I used to think I knew a lot about a lot. I knew what I wanted, how I wanted it & when I wanted it. I thought I knew how much I could handle on my plate, so to speak. I'm realizing that some of the things I thought I wanted, aren't really that important in life. I'm realizing that piling so much on my plate really isn't very wise.

I once had plans for my life. I had plans of what I would do when I was a certain age; plans of what my life would be like. Plans of where I'd be living, what I'd be doing as a job, etc. However, the older I get, the more I realize plans are not mine to make. God already has a plan for me. My job is to just live daily close to Him & in time, my plan will take it's shape & be realized. I'm learning that I need to carry that thought process over into the lives of my children.  I can make all of the plans I want for them, but those plans will probably fail. My job is to love them & raise them to love Jesus. In time, He will reveal the plans He has for them...not my plans, but His.

I'm learning a lot about myself & a lot about others. I'm learning it's ok not to have all of the answers. I'm learning that people are just people & I shouldn't expect them to see everything like I see it. I'm learning to really love people for who they are & where they are, instead of expecting them to meet me where I am. I'm gaining wisdom...slowly, but I understand a little bit more about what it truly means to be wise.


2/30 Fears...

So I found a list on Pinterest that took me to this page: http://cherishinghopesanddreams.blogspot.com/2012/01/30-things.html

This is the list that I am grabbing my next 29 (30 including my last post) post topics from...

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

1. My one fear I've had as far as I can remember is the fear of failure.  Now I know this is so cliche.  Everybody uses this line when in an interview & asked one of their fears - "Oh, you know my greatest fear is the fear of failure." But honestly, it is truly one of my greatest fears.  As a child, when I thought I might be in trouble, if my parent or teacher just looked at my funny, I was in tears because I was afraid that somehow, some way I had let them down, I had failed. My husband can tell you this is true - how many other people fall to the ground freaked out that they may have messed up the stuffing for Thanksgiving by not having foil to put over it while they bake?!?  Most would just run out to the store or figure something else out. Nope, not my first instinct. My first instinct was, "Oh no!!??  I failed!!"  Now that I have kids, my fear has sort of morphed.  I'm not as much afraid of messing things up that I do anymore - I figure people can deal with it & life will go on.  But now that I'm a parent, I'm afraid of messing up my kids.  Luckily I have a strong faith in the Lord & I know with His help, I can be the kind of mommy my kids need, regardless of my own failures.  I trust in Him to keep me from messing up my kids.

2. Another fear I have has only been around for the past 5 years.  My oldest child, my son, is 5 years old. That's right, my next fear began when I became a mommy. I fear that someone or something will harm my children. I'm sure this is a common "mommy fear". I remember being the "fun" auntie who would let my nieces & nephews do things that I'm sure their mommy wouldn't necessarily approve of...now I see things so differently!  I don't think I'm that "fun" mommy...I see all of the bad things that could happen before they do anything...and for that I apologize to my kids. I can't watch the news or scary movies or anything that shows harm being done to kids, because it just makes me think something like that might happen to my kids & I get freaked out & have nightmares...scary ones.  I sometimes see people that I view as "creepy"when my kids & I are out & I instantly fear these people are going to try to kidnap my kids or something worse. I'm guessing this is common among moms.  Moms out there, am I right?  Or am I crazy? At least I still go out in public. Praise God it hasn't become a paralyzing fear...I pray it never does.

3. I am scared of uncontrolled bodies of water. I thoroughly enjoy looking at oceans & rivers, but put me out in the middle of one of them & I'm a mess.  I just can't help it.  I've been like that as far as I can remember.  I remember my dad's friend, Jack having a pool that we would go swim in a lot when I was younger.  I also remember being thrown in the pool to my dad & my dad dunking me under for a bit.  I'm sure it was normal play for some kids, but for me, it freaked me out!  I never liked being in the pool with my dad, I was always worried he'd carry me to the deep and let me go.  He never did, but I just had this fear it would happen. Because of that, I never learned to swim. I taught myself to swim. I can swim, but I don't feel very confident in it. This is why I do not like uncontrolled bodies of water; I don't trust myself in them. I almost drowned my husband while we were still dating. We were on a mission trip as teens & for a "fun" day our leaders decided to go to a river. We were told if we wanted to go in a canoe on said river that we had to go down the river first wearing only our life jackets. I guess this was so we wouldn't freak out if our canoe tipped. Well, I flipped out while going down in my life jacket!  Nick was holding my hand & right from the beginning I could tell I was going to go crazy. I begged to get out, but he said it was too hard with the current, we had to just ride it out. I began using him as a flotation device, which only made him go under & try to get air as he could, here & there. In my head I was telling myself everything was ok, that this wasn't a big deal, I was fine, but outside I was going crazy & I couldn't stop myself.  Thank God we both made it down the rapids just fine. I also had to deal with this fear while in Maui. Nick & I went on a boat & went out to go snorkeling. I told myself I was fine. The water was calm way out in the middle of the ocean. But when we were told we could go jump in the water, off of the side of the boat, I almost started hyperventilating!  Thankfully the instructor could sense my fear & helped me through it. By the end of the day I was snorkeling just fine. In retrospect, I'm not sure what exactly that instructor said or did, but he somehow got me out there to enjoy the deep blue. I'm glad he did because that is one of the highlights of that trip and honestly, I'm not sure if I'll ever do it again...that fear has a way of rearing it's head, even though I think I'm fine.

What are your fears?


20 Random Facts About Me...

1. I am a Christian.

2. I have been with my husband for 18 years, but I'm only 34. Yep, that means we were high school sweet hearts. In fact we've known each other since elementary school.

3. I had surgery on my eye at the age of 4.

4. I've worn glasses, or corrective lenses of some sort since I was 2.

5. My favorite show as a small child was Heart to Heart.

6. One of my many guilty pleasures, is watching most reality tv on MTV...including Jersey Shore & Teen Mom.

7. I do not like uncontrolled bodies of water. They are nice to look at, but I do not feel comfortable swimming in them.

8. I'm not that great of a swimmer.

9. I've always wanted to be a runner.

10. I would love to live in New York City one day...even if my husband & I are in our 70's when we move there.

11. I enjoy helping those who don't have the means to help themselves.

12. Some of my greatest experiences have been on mission trips to other countries.

13. I am a stay at home mommy & I love it.

14. I really wish I could get a mani/pedi & go to a tanning bed once every 2 weeks - seriously.

15. I wish I had a metabolism that was always on overdrive. If I were "too skinny" I would love it.

16. My 2 best friends live in 2 different states, far away from me. But they are still closer than any other friend I have - aside from my husband.

17. I still keep in touch with my BFF from Kinder - 12th grade. I am glad.

18. I realize you really do gain wisdom as you get older...I feel much wiser now than I did 5 years ago...I'm sure in 10 years I think I was an idiot today.

19. I love to co-sleep. There's something about having your whole family with you in your bed when you wake up. It just feels right. Ask me in 10 years what I think...

20. I have a tattoo that means mother in Sinhala - the spoken language of Sri Lanka. My children are 1/4 Sri Lankan. I'm pretty sure it will be my only tattoo...they hurt!!

(It was hard to think of 20 random facts about me.)