...welcome to my ramblings...


I Wonder...

     I wonder.  That's it, I wonder.  There are so many thoughts that go through my head every day.  These thoughts are about everything and anything. 
     I wonder when I will have time to do all of the "tasks" that need to get done around the house.  Things like laundry, dishes and dusting to even more in depth projects like cleaning out the back room, decorating the side room & getting new curtains.  I wonder what I will cook for dinner.  I wonder if dinner will taste good.  I wonder when I will have time to make sure each member of my family feels that I am 100% here for them.
     I wonder what my future will hold.  I wonder if my husband and I will have another child. I wonder if we will live in California forever.  I wonder if our son will go to college or be a rockstar.  I wonder if my son will have any children.  I wonder if he will get married.  I wonder if he will know how much his dad and I love him.  I wonder how active I will be when I'm 60. 
     I wonder if I will ever accomplish my life goals.  I have accomplished some, but I wonder if certain dreams I've had since I was a small child will one day become reality.  I wonder if I will ever publish a book.  I wonder if I will ever become a teacher.  I wonder if I will ever make a difference.
     I wonder if I will ever stop being annoyed and derailed by people.  I wonder if I will ever stop letting peoples attitudes and actions dictate my own.  I wonder if I will ever step up and completely and honestly love even the hardest ones to love; the ones who think they know everything or have to do everything and really just end up annoying everyone around them.  I wonder if I will ever stop being cynical.  I wonder if I will ever change.
   I wonder...


Unresolved guilt...

     Have you ever felt a feeling of unresolved guilt?  A kind of guilt that you can't let go of?  A guilt that you can ask forgiveness for, but you feel as though you can't forgive yourself?  Unfortunately, I have come to know this feeling over the past month or two.
     It all starts with a friend.  A friend I love and adore.  A friend I have known since our sweet and innocent days.  A friend that I was best friends with from Kindergarten - 12th Grade. We were so close.  We knew each other inside and out.  We could finish each other's sentences.  We knew each other's families and felt as though we were family.  I'm not sure how it happened, but that closeness we once shared, that we talked about sharing forever, somehow faded over time.  After we graduated from high school and went our separate ways, the closeness we thought we would never lose, was in fact, lost.  Don't get me wrong, whenever we would see each other or talk to each other, it was like we'd never been apart.  But the time we spent together or talked was very rare.  People tell me that's what happens as you get older.  You go your way, they go their way, you lose contact with each other and life goes on.  But I wonder, does it have to be this way?  We were best friends, not just acquaintances.
     This friend of mine lost her father in 2008.  I didn't find out until 2009.  There were many variables as to why I didn't find out.  Apparently she didn't have my cell number.  She tried calling my parent's, but they were out of town.  Another friend of ours was asked to notify everyone; well she didn't have my number either.  This friend ended up remembering much later, she could contact me via Myspace, so she did.  That's when I found out.  Much later.  I wasn't there for my friend.  I wasn't there for my best friend of 13 years in a serious time of need.  I didn't even make it to the funeral, because I didn't even know about it.
     Well, this friend just got married this past weekend.  Luckily we have since made contact, and I was able to share in this joyous day.  Thinking about the upcoming wedding, I began thinking about who wouldn't be there, her father.  This is when I began thinking about how I wasn't there for her.  I am so glad I was able to be there at the start of this next chapter in her life.  I just can't seem to get over the fact that I wasn't there for her in her darkest hour.  I feel so horrible.  I don't know when I can forgive myself.  I have this feeling of unresolved guilt that I don't know if I will ever let go of.
     I am now going to make it a point to keep in touch.  There is no reason to give up on a friendship.  Well, I guess is the friend is toxic and causing you harm, but in most cases, there is no reason.  This friend was so close; she was not toxic at all.  Why did I give up?  There is not a good enough reason.  I should've been there for her - through it all.  Jesus wouldn't give up on a friendship, why do we?  Why did I?   


Let me be real...

     One of my biggest dislikes, or really hates, is when people are fake.  I crave authenticity in others.  If I think people are not be real with me, I will probably eventually shut them out.  This isn't a good habit and it's not something I'm proud of, but it's true.  I feel if I want people to be real with me, I should be real too.  So this post is coming from a totally honest place.  I'm not sure why I'm putting it out in the blogosphere, but I am.
     Doing self reflection is something I seem to do often.  I feel as a mature Christian adult, it is something I should do often.  Well, I recently came to the realization that I am quite cynical of people.  Most of the cynicism is directed at other Christians.  I don't necessarily like this quality, but I don't know how to really change it either.  The only answer I know right now is to pray.
     After doing even more reflection, I realized that this cynicism wasn't always a quality of mine.  It seems to be something that has formed over time.  I noticed that as a pre-teen & teen I was more judgmental of other Christians.  Again, another trait of mine I'm not really proud of.  I wonder if the two are sort of related?  Is it a natural progression to be somewhat judgmental and then eventually turn that into cynicism?
     Here are the definitions of the two: Judgmental = Inclined to make judgments, especially moral or personal ones.   Cynical = Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others; feeling of distrust.
     Again, not sure why I am posting this on here.  I just know I need to be real with people.  Not sure if people read this or not.  I hope & pray that over time, with God's help, I can change my cynicism into hope of what Christ can do & will do through those around me.  As for now, I'm trying....