Self absorbed or searching?

     In today's world are we all just a little too self absorbed?  Do we really think that anyone actually cares and wants to read a play by play list of our daily activities?  With Myspace, Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz and all of the other "networking" sites making such a daily impact on mainstream life, does this tell us that as a whole, we are just eager to connect to others?  I'm not exactly sure what it all means.  Do we really read every entry that our so called "friends" write or do we just enjoy putting our own interesting (or not) thoughts out there in the mysterious beyond?
     This brings up another question...why do people blog?  Some people who blog actually have hundreds, thousands, even millions of followers - and maybe they write for a whole different reason than me.  Why do I write?  I don't even know if anyone reads any of my blog entrys.  But the truth, I like to write.  I like the idea of just getting my thoughts on paper, or in this instance, into the blogosphere.  Whether or not another person is reading them doesn't matter.  I am not looking for validation or searching for some great debate partners.  I really just want to write.  Maybe one day I'll write something that I want to share with others, but for now, it's just dribble for the joy of writing.
     Back to the other question...do we really live in a more self absorbed society than that of previous generations?  I don't think so; we've been self absorbed since the beginning of time.  I really think everyone just wants to connect with people.  That is at our core as humans; to connect.  Whether we do it face to face, on the phone or on Twitter, connection is what we all desire.  Trying to make a connection on Twitter may be difficult and probably a little bit egocentric, but it is still a way to attempt to connect to someone else.  So are we self absorbed or searching...I say a little of both.  
    

...Absolutely Thankful...

I am thankful for my affectionate husband.
I am thankful for my adorable son.
I am thankful for my altruistic parents.
I am thankful for my adoring God.
I am thankful for my auspicious life.

New things...

     I'm always a little apprehensive when it comes to trying new things.  I don't usually show my anxiety to the outside world, but inside I am totally nervous and, I admit it, a little worried about what others might think. But I don't let that stop me from doing something I want to do.  In fact, the wonder of what others might think may be a part of what pushes me to actually do something new and different.
     Last night I tried something new and completely different than anything I've ever done.  I took a new type of work out class.  I wasn't with a friend or relative; I went all by myself.  It was something that some may view as inappropriate.  Some may look at me a little different for even attempting this new type of art form.  But I don't care.  I had fun.  On the way home I could even feel my abs!  They had definitely had a workout!
     This morning I woke up sore from my new work out.  If you are one to work out, you know when you wake up sore from a work out, it's sort of a good feeling.  You feel good knowing that what you did actually made some sort of positive impact on your body.  That's what I felt this morning when I woke up sore.  I was so happy that I had worked out my body and had fun while doing it.
     I think I am going to continue this new work out.  I'll be signing up for a six week course.  Hopefully my body won't kill me for it.  Trying new things is good. 

Another birthday post...a few years later...

     So yesterday was my birthday.  I remember being younger and waking up with so much excitement on my birthday, because I was another year older!  Now on my birthday, I'd rather just keep sleeping when I wake up.  Not that I'm afraid of getting older, but because I just really enjoy sleeping.  Also, I don't really find that much excitement in the fact that I am another year older. 
     Birthdays are now just another day.  I have a wonderful husband who tries to make the day special.  Yesterday we had a great day spending time together during the afternoon, before he had to go to work.  It was a fabulous day.  But it could have just as well been something we did on an afternoon in June.  What I mean by that is, there is no reason why the time we spent together was just for my birthday.  We love each other & we love spending time together, so yesterday was just another day of us loving spending time together.  He did get me some great gifts...but he actually gives me great gifts all the time.  I'm lucky that way.
     Anyway, what I think I'm trying to say is that now that I am 31, my birthday really just seems like another day.  Actually, it made me sort of reflect on age in general.  I started thinking about my age and my friends ages.  I thought about how in a couple of years, I will have friends who are 50 or close to 50.  That is strange to think about.  I still remember when my grandma was only 55 - and I thought that was old.  I started thinking about my parents age.  I think about how old my parents are & how they were both younger than me when they had me.  Nick brought up another thought, what must my parents feel like to have their youngest child turn 31.  I hadn't even thought about how my age made anyone else feel.  I asked my dad about it; he said he & my mom had talked about it that morning.  They had talked about how their baby was 31, and about how old that made them feel.  That made me start thinking more.  I started thinking about how I will feel when my son, Aaron is an adult. 
   It's crazy how much thinking and reflection my 31st birthday has spawned.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe once you reach a certain age, 31 for me, birthdays are meant for reflection and deep thought.  Maybe as an adult, birthdays are there as a reminder of who you once were, a statement of who you are now and a glimpse of who you are going to become.  A day to celebrate that God has allowed you to live another year and a day to meditate on who God wants you to become.

How can I make a difference? I'm only one person.

So my brother asked me if I'd seen the documentary on the Sundance Channel called "What Would Jesus Buy".

The Plot (as noted by Wikipedia): The film focuses on the issues of the commercialization of Christmas, materialism, the over-consumption in American culture, globalization, and the business practices of large corporations, as well as their economic and cultural effects on American society, as seen through the prism of activist/performance artist Bill Talen, who goes by the alias of "Reverend Billy," and his troupe of activists, whose street theater performances take the form of a church choir called "The Church of Stop Shopping," that sings anti-shopping and anti-corporate songs. The film follows Billy and his choir as they take a cross-country trip in the month prior to Christmas 2005, and spread their message against what they perceive as the evils of patronizing the retail outlets of several different large corporate chains.

I haven't seen it.  But from what my brother was describing, it isn't anything new.  Nothing that should come as a surprise today.  From my brother's description, I was reminded of a documentary on the fashion industry that I watched on HBO just a few months back called Schmatta: Rags to Riches to Rags.

The Plot (according to HBO.com): Schmatta: Rags To Riches To Rags brings to life the vibrant, unexpected history of the Garment District which for many years was the heart and soul of Midtown Manhattan, but is now in danger of disappearing. For thousands of immigrants the garment industry was a path to their American Dream, but today most of those jobs are gone. A microcosm of the economic and social forces transforming our nation over the past one hundred years, Schmatta: Rags To Riches To Rags tells the story of this vanishing industry through the voices of the people who have experienced its highs and lows.

Both of these documentaries show how, as a way to keep being profitable, corporations have moved production to countries other than the USA.  By doing this, people in the USA have lost jobs, some companies have had to shut down and the people in the other countries are being exploited.  Majority of the people making the clothes we all wear, the shoes we have to have, the toys we buy our kids & pretty much everything we use are being made by kids ages 8 - 11 years old.  These kids are paid like 9 cents an hour and that wage usually supports them and their family.  If any person tries to organize some sort of union for these kids, that person & possibly their family are harmed, sometimes killed.

So how do we stop this?  I'm pretty sure most, if not all people would say the treatment of these kids is horrific.  But yet we all continue to buy things made in China, India, Sri Lanka, Guatemala, etc.  I would love to buy only American made, if that means somehow helping others, especially these kids.  But is that actually possible?  I don't know?  Also, if I do it, will it really make that much of a difference?  I'm only one person?!  I don't think me alone will make a difference.

So I'm asking anybody out there....how can I make a difference, I'm only one person?

Hello, out there...

I'm assuming that I am writing this to no one. I mean it has been over 3 years since I've posted to this site. But I just felt like blogging, so here I am.

So much has changed in my life since I last posted. I am now a mom. Of a two year old! My little monkey was born November 18, 2007 and my life has not been the same since. I am a stay at home mom now. We also now live in a house. No more apartment living for me. All of the changes have been great blessings to my husband and I.

I'm not really sure what I want to get out of this blog anymore or why I am even writing here...but I'm doing it.

I really just want to say one thing...I am sick of fake people. Mostly I am tired of people who say they are not self centered and that they just want to do for others, but when you watch them and look at their life, it is all about them and what they can get from others. I try to not be like this. If I'm feeling selfish, I'm not going to tell you otherwise. I hate to be judgmental, but really it just gets under my skin to see people who parade around like they are the greatest gifts to the earth, and then watch them take advantage of their own family and friends. It is just ridiculous. I really would like to talk to these types of people and tell them how they make their family and friends feel when they use them. But most of the time, people like this know how to manipulate the conversation and don't let you finish your thought before interrupting and changing the subject. Ok...that was a mouthful! Sorry for the rant....obviously it is something that is really eating at my brain!

Alright...I guess I'm done for this moment.

Motherhood takes a lot of my time and so does being a wife. So I don't know how often I'll even write. I just know that I love to write, so maybe I'll be back.

Not sure...

I think I might start blogging here again.

I don't know, but why not? I do blog on myspace, but maybe I'll do it here too. That is if I can find the time!

We'll see?

Birthdays...

So today is my birthday. I know I'm not old, but in my head, for me, I'm getting there...I'm only 27, but that just doesn't seem the age I am?! Does that make sense? Probably not! Oh well. Today my very first phone call was from my nieces...Shelbylyn, Helayna & Kristen...they all three sang Happy Birthday on my voice mail & then all wished me the best; their mom, Tonyalyn, also said a little something. It was a wonderful message to hear to start my day. I am saving it on my phone for any days that aren't going well...they are all so sweet! I love them! :) I don't really know how I'm going to spend my day after I get off of work at 12:15pm, but I know it's going to be a good day - no matter what! :) Hope everyone else has an excellent day! :)

New job!

So I had three interviews this week. They were all at elementary schools in Torrance. They were all for the same position - Instructional Aide, Computer Lab Assistant....one was yesterday & two were today. Well, Nick & I just got home from dinner & the one that I liked the best called & left a message on the machine! The principal offered me the job! She said she almost hired me on the spot, but figured she should at least call one reference. Wow! What an answer to prayer! I'm so excited to start working at a school...to be working toward my goal of being a teacher...and it is in the district I want to some day teach in! Praise God! I'll be working at Riviera Elementary School. I can't wait!!! :)

Strange bird...

Check out this poor bird...he has no feet. He only has little nubs. He kind of has 2 peg legs...so he's a pirate bird! I wonder what happened to him? Maybe a shark ate his feet. Or maybe he wasn't born with any feet. Poor bird.

Christmas is over...but the gifts keep giving!

I love to give people gifts at Christmas...but who I am kidding, it's nice to get stuff too! Here a some of my favorite gifts....

My husband got me...a new coach purse! I love it...it is so cute! :)

He also gave me a black ipod nano. He gave me a gift card for itunes too.

I was also lucky enough to receive a Southern California Disneyland Resort Passport!! I am so excited about this one!! Now, Nick has to get one!

This is another one that I am really excited about...the Sex in the City Complete Series DVD Set!! Thanks, Dad!

I guess I am really excited about all of them!! Thanks, everyone!!! Hope you had a great Christmas & enjoy the New Year!

I did it!

I think I did anyway...I finished all of my Christmas shopping! Last week I had none of it done. I did almost all of it today! I'm so happy! Now I have to wrap it all. Oh well, at least I don't have to go out to the malls anymore to shop, only to people watch...that is fun to do, especially around Christmas time. Lots of people with puzzled & frantic looks on their faces. It's great!

writing #7

The leaves are falling fast now, the seasons seem to change so quickly; much like my life.
The life I live through You is so much different than the one before.
I finally see that it's only
Through You I can see love,
Through You I can be love,
Through You I can be someone who helps those in need.

If it's Your grace that sets us free & the knowledge of You is all we need,
Then why are there so many around who say they know You & talk about Your grace but still seem to fade into the crowd?
When will they see it really is
Through You they can see love,
Through You they can be love,
Through You they can reach out to help those in need.

If we really believe in Your grace & love, we should shout it to the lost around us.
If we really want to be Your servants we should let Your love lead our lives.
Help us Lord, to really show them that
Through You we can see love,
Through You we can be love,
Through You we can be the ones reaching out to those in need.

Sunsets are nice...maybe I need to wake up early & see the sunrise?!?

Another picture of the beautiful sunset.

I love the beach!

The beach is a wonderful place! Although on our past couple of trips we have seen couples making out under blankets and/or in cars, in the middle of the day, a young couple smoking pot while holding a toddler amidst the smoke and many other interesting sights, the beach is still such a beautiful place! The ocean sounds alone are enough to keep me coming back. When you add in the sights and scents - I am definitely blessed to live so close to the ocean. I think I really need to take it in a lot more! Not too mention, when we go to Redondo Beach Pier, we sometimes get a churro...and these are the best churros ever! They are made fresh right there & they are better than any churro I've ever had! But yeah, I'm definitely a beach lover! Not a lay-out-in-the-sand-and-feel-dirty lover, but a go-to-the-beach-and-soak-in-the-beauty lover!! On our last visit I took a couple of pictures as the sun was going down...I posted some on my previous post. I think the sunset has to be one of the best models - it is constantly giving the photographer sublte changes that make each shot it's very own.

The beautiful ocean...

Life is good now...

Well, last night was my first practice back as a member of the praise team. It actually went rather well. I am excited to be back!! I feel like this is where I am supposed to be - I just have a real peace & happiness about it. I'm thankful that God is able to use me. Thanks for you prayers in this transition time...keep praying for me & my church. Thanks! I know there is lots more in store for my church. We are getting ready for the 40 Days of Community...I know there are people who are not looking forward to the campaign. While this frustrates me & saddens me, I would ask that you would pray for the leaders to not be discouraged & for the people of my church to participate...even those grumpy people who never participate in anything & who are already complaining about doing something new! Thanks!!! :)

New direction...

Ok, so after lots of praying, thinking & talking to others, I decided to join the praise team again. I really missed singing & felt that's where God wanted me. I know I'm going to miss the nursery, but I was also beginning to miss being in sunday services. I am still going to be the person who organizes the volunteers for both the infant & toddler nurseries & I am the person in charge of making sure both nurseries are stocked with the proper supplies & all that stuff. I start singing again on Oct. 2nd...I'm excited, but it may be a little strange too, since there have been some changes since I left (new people & some of the old people doing different stuff)...I just hope everything goes good.

Frustration...

I have been pretty frustrated lately with the lack of communication and leadership among certain "leaders" at my church. I am feeling that there are certain areas that maybe I need to step up and take leadership...but I'm not too sure? Please pray that God will show me where He wants me. I know He wants me serving Him & He wants me serving His people, but I'm having a little trouble figuring out exactly where...just pray for me. Thanks! :)

Written by my Grandma, Betty Allen...

My grandmother was a manic depressive. She wrote a book of her life (it's not published yet, but I hope to someday publish it) and as I was going through the pages, I came across this...it is like a prose almost or a story about her disease....One Hell of A Ride on the Roller Coaster....When I woke up that morning, I thought it was just another day. Was I ever in for a suprise? My old friend who lives somewhere inside my brain had decided to take me for a long trip. This monster is not like the ones you see and or ride in an amusement park. This demon takes control of your every waking moment. You might as well just sit back and enjoy the trip. Sometimes it takes you shopping and you buy everything you see, whether you need it or not. This time it decided we would clean the house, every single nook and cranny. I don't mean just using the sweeper and dusting. Nothing that simple, we would wash every single thing in the house or the yard. He kept me going all night and all day. I didn't even take time to eat or sleep. Two or sometimes I slept as much as three hours. He kept me going until I could barely make it up the stairs to go to bed. There were nights I had to crawl up the steps, but he showed me no mercy. I got so tired I would fall. I would cut myself and I made large sores on my hands. I bruised my knees until I was just about unable to get up when I sat down. I had always had beautiful fingernails. I abused my hands and tried to hide them so no one could see. We had to go to a social function of some sort and I went to the drug store and bought fake nails and glued them on. We need to name this monster, we can't go just saying the monster. The lowest, meanest thing I can think of is a copperhead snake, so we will just call him Red. Old Red never let up. He made me clean everything in the upstairs; there are three bedrooms and a shower up there. He made me clean all the closets and arrange the clothes in the room that I Had made into a walk-in closet. The clothes must be arranged by color, then skirts, blouses, dresses and everything else. Why he cared about this is beyond my comprehension. Then we started on the jewelry - it had to be put in it's own space. Red just drove me like a slave. I was on this hellish ride and couldn't get off. God have pity on anyone who gets in Red's way. He will just step on them and grind them under his feet. He is not a pretty sight. I haven't seen him but I know how he looks, with his copper bands and his eyes with their crossive slits. I hate him with a vengence, but that just makes him work me harder. It just about drives my darling husband, Neal, crazy. Sometimes I think he understands. He knows I am being driven to do all of these stupid things, but way down inside, I do not think he can comprehend how it really is. I hope he never finds out. Red is always there just waiting for me to jump on the roller coaster. Then he knows that he will take control and make me do some very stupid things. He will make me go shopping and I buy anything I happen to like for that day. Sometime after the first time I was really manic, in 1991, I started watching the Home Shopping Club and wasted about three thousand dollars on junk jewelry. My daughter, Diane and I went to look at some furniture for her house. She didn't buy anything, but Old Red made me get two lazy boy chairs and a new refrigerator. I just whipped out the old plastic...it would get me anything I wanted. Just whip out old plastic and bingo, it would get me anything I happened to want for that moment. That's all that was written...I know there are some edits necessary and it probably was going to go on and become a story, but that's all I've got. But it does shed a little light on how a person who is manic depressive feels at times. It gives a bit of insight how a person feels out of control and not themselves when they are depressed. This has helped me and my views on suicide. My grandma didn't committ suicide, but she has since passed. However, this writing helps me to see how some people I know who have died of suicide, or those who have attempted it, may have felt. Just wanted to share it with others.