...Just Me...

Just a thought...

2011-08-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

You never know when your time on this earth is over. It can happen so fast. It's so cliché, but it's so true. The recent loss of a friend has reminded me of this. Living every day like it's your last is really something we all should be doing. Loving people is the most important part of that - it is the key to a happy life.

Felipe was a perfect example of how we all should be. Genuinely nice, loving, compassionate & always helpful. No matter what social group you may have thought you belonged to, Felipe didn't care. In his eyes, there were only people who he loved. That's it - not people he loved & people he sort of liked & people he wished would go away. No, simply people he loved.

Felipe always had a smile. The first memory that comes to mind for most of us is his beautiful & infectious smile. Felipe smiled because of the love he had for every person that knew him. He always had a smile because he had it figured out - we are here on this earth to love people. I don't know how he did it, but he made it look so effortless.

I know many of us are questioning why the Lord had to take him so early. I have no idea why the Lord has taken this husband, father & friend. But maybe, just maybe if we all live life a little more like Felipe - if we genuinely love all people a little bit more - his death will not be in vain.

It's been way too long....

2011-01-05T11:21:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a really long time since I last posted. In fact, the only reason I am posting today is because of how long it has been. I don't really have anything to say...

Let's see, it is January 2011. I am waiting the arrival of my little girl...she's due in less than two weeks & honestly, I hope she shows up before that! I am so done with being pregnant! My son is now 3 and he keeps me busy. He continues to surprise me with how smart he is...I know all parents probably feel that way, but seriously, it's crazy what he comes up with sometimes!?

Someone asked me if I had any New Year's Resolutions...well, I don't usually set any - I figure what's the point?! But after thinking about it a little, if I had to choose just one thing to do differently, it would be to lower my expectations of others. In other words, don't have any expectations of others. In my experience, having expectations just leads to frustration & disappointment. So I'm hoping this year I will experience less frustration & disappointment. :)

Well, until the next post....

Is it really that hard to be a grown up?

2010-07-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

     If you've read a few of my blog posts, you probably know I am easily bothered by others. I don't really let others get me down or really effect my daily life, however, I am often baffled by how others act. I often question why people do the things they do. Recently, I have been wondering why there are so many adults that still act like teenagers? Now if you are a teenager, don't take offense to that last remark. In fact, if you are reading this and you're a teenager, you are probably more mature than the adults I'm referring to.
     Why are there so many adults who enjoy getting involved in drama? Why are there so many adults who help to create drama? Why are there so many adults who don't try to diffuse drama among others, but instead they fuel it or even instigate it? Are these adults aware of the ugly mess they are helping to create? Are these adults stuck in jr. high?
     I really just don't know how to handle people that claim to be an adult, or rather, their age says they are, but instead they act like a two-faced, drama-filled high school student. (Again, if you are a high school student, you probably aren't two-faced or drama-filled, but I bet you know someone who is.) Is it really that hard to be the adult? Is it really that hard to act like a grown up? Seriously, is it???

Family & friends keep me feeling connected...

2010-06-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

     It's been awhile since I decided to actually write something on here. I guess I've just been busy with life. I found out I am expecting another child & I've been battling so-called "morning sickness" ever since. I have been thinking a lot about family, friends & so-called friends. That's where this post is coming from...my latest thoughts.

     I am lucky to have family that is there for me. Regardless of what we are going through or how our opinions might differ, we are there for each other. That's how family is supposed to be, however there are many out there that aren't blessed with a family who loves them unconditionally. For those people, I am very sorry.
     That's where friends come in...friends are also supposed to be there for you, no matter what. Friends are supposed to love you unconditionally. Friends like this are like family. There is a connection there - a bond, which is close to that bond you have with your family. Friends like these don't come around very often in life. These friends could move away, and yet when you see them, it's as if you have seen one another every day for years. Friends like this are important.
     Then there are so-called friends. People who call you their friend, but aren't necessarily there for you. They are there to see how you can benefit them. They do not love you unconditionally. They will act one way when you are around & then when you aren't there, they may even talk bad about you. They will try to connect with you, if you have something they need or want. The connection with them isn't healthy. In fact, I find it to be destructive. I say, be weary of these friends.
     For now, I think I'm done with my rant. I just want to say I am so thankful for a family who will always be there....and there are a lot of them! I am also very thankful that I have a few friends that I will be connected to forever.

Going deeper....

2010-05-03T11:17:00.000-07:00

     Is it rare to want to go deeper? To want to really get to know other people on a deeper level? To get past the superficial surface relationships & delve into real, personal, honest relationships? If it isn't rare to have the desire, why is it so rare to find other people willing to get real & go deep?
     I believe that our life experiences help to form the person we are at any given point in our life. Experiences from our childhood & teenage years are especially formative. I also believe that experiences we saw our parents, or other loved ones go through have an effect on how we relate to others. These previous experiences are generally the reasons why people don't go deeper in most of their relationships; trusting people or letting them "get in" could be illogical. What I mean is, maybe a previous experience, either one of their own or one they saw someone go through, is holding them back from genuinely trusting people. The question then is, how do we reshape our thoughts to allow for more trust in people?
I'm always saying I want people to be real. I'm always longing for deeper relationships with people. I'm always expecting people to let go of the superficial and get real. But am I really ready to do that myself? I haven't experienced any real hurt that would lead to a lack of trust in others, but unfortunately, I have seen deep hurt up close and personal in lives of loved ones. The hurt I saw as a young teenager has created a fear inside of me. I'm afraid to get too close to any one person, for fear they will hurt me. Now there are a few exceptions in my life, my family, my husband, and one friend. There are a couple of friends that are close, but not too close. And still others who may think of me as a close friend, but in my mind, they are more like acquaintances.
     Some might say, "Well, you are lucky you have just one good friend in your life." But honestly, isn't life all about relationships? As Christians, shouldn't we long to get past the superficial with other Christians? Why is it I feel like most of my superficial relationships are in Christians circles? Others may say, "Well you can't be best friends with everyone!" To that I say, you're right, but I think most people say that because they don't want to let down their walls either. I believe that statement to be an excuse for people, a sort of justification of their own behaviors.
     I don't really know why I'm putting this out into the blogosphere, but I am. I really just wonder how many other people are afraid of getting hurt by someone? I didn't really know that I was, but I must be; I know I don't let people in too easily. Aren't we all just wandering the world, longing for human connections? Aren't we all just longing for deeper relationships?

Never easy...

2010-04-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

     Today I was reminded that admitting you are wrong does not come natural. This morning while playing out the usual wake up routine in my bed with my son & husband, Aaron reminded me how truly difficult it is to say two simple words, 'I'm sorry.'
     The usual morning tickle monster visited the bed & Aaron was doing the typical laugh with glee, but asking the monster to stop tickling. Finally Aaron had really had enough and slapped daddy in the face, although both mommy & daddy were doing the tickling; poor daddy always gets the worst of it. Daddy received a couple of slaps in the face from Aaron. I grabbed Aaron & demanded he tell his daddy he was sorry. Aaron was not having it. He whined & cried & buried his face in the bed. He writhed around trying to avoid the inevitable apology. He was not going to do it. He started to reply to my demands saying, "I'm sorry is the yuckiest thing in the whole life!" Wow! How stubborn can one child be?! Did I really have a 2 year old that thought admitting his wrongs was the worst thing in the world? Had I taught him this by my own actions? Or was this something that was just innate; some feeling every one of us is born with? This was definitely not something Aaron wanted to do. He knew he had done wrong and didn't want to admit to it. He didn't want to say he was sorry because that meant he was admitting he was wrong. After over 15 minutes of pleading, Aaron finally apologized to his daddy.
     After reflecting on the event, I was reminded about my own inability to apologize. How often do I swallow my pride and actual apologize for something wrong I know I have done? How often is my first instinct to just writhe around in my discomfort and hope that the feeling of conviction will go away?

I Wonder...

2010-03-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

     I wonder. That's it, I wonder. There are so many thoughts that go through my head every day. These thoughts are about everything and anything.
     I wonder when I will have time to do all of the "tasks" that need to get done around the house. Things like laundry, dishes and dusting to even more in depth projects like cleaning out the back room, decorating the side room & getting new curtains. I wonder what I will cook for dinner. I wonder if dinner will taste good. I wonder when I will have time to make sure each member of my family feels that I am 100% here for them.
     I wonder what my future will hold. I wonder if my husband and I will have another child. I wonder if we will live in California forever. I wonder if our son will go to college or be a rockstar. I wonder if my son will have any children. I wonder if he will get married. I wonder if he will know how much his dad and I love him. I wonder how active I will be when I'm 60.
     I wonder if I will ever accomplish my life goals. I have accomplished some, but I wonder if certain dreams I've had since I was a small child will one day become reality. I wonder if I will ever publish a book. I wonder if I will ever become a teacher. I wonder if I will ever make a difference.
     I wonder if I will ever stop being annoyed and derailed by people. I wonder if I will ever stop letting peoples attitudes and actions dictate my own. I wonder if I will ever step up and completely and honestly love even the hardest ones to love; the ones who think they know everything or have to do everything and really just end up annoying everyone around them. I wonder if I will ever stop being cynical. I wonder if I will ever change.
   I wonder...

Unresolved guilt...

2010-03-08T12:08:00.000-08:00

     Have you ever felt a feeling of unresolved guilt? A kind of guilt that you can't let go of? A guilt that you can ask forgiveness for, but you feel as though you can't forgive yourself? Unfortunately, I have come to know this feeling over the past month or two.
     It all starts with a friend. A friend I love and adore. A friend I have known since our sweet and innocent days. A friend that I was best friends with from Kindergarten - 12th Grade. We were so close. We knew each other inside and out. We could finish each other's sentences. We knew each other's families and felt as though we were family. I'm not sure how it happened, but that closeness we once shared, that we talked about sharing forever, somehow faded over time. After we graduated from high school and went our separate ways, the closeness we thought we would never lose, was in fact, lost. Don't get me wrong, whenever we would see each other or talk to each other, it was like we'd never been apart. But the time we spent together or talked was very rare. People tell me that's what happens as you get older. You go your way, they go their way, you lose contact with each other and life goes on. But I wonder, does it have to be this way? We were best friends, not just acquaintances.
   This friend of mine lost her father in 2008. I didn't find out until 2009. There were many variables as to why I didn't find out. Apparently she didn't have my cell number. She tried calling my parent's, but they were out of town. Another friend of ours was asked to notify everyone; well she didn't have my number either. This friend ended up remembering much later, she could contact me via Myspace, so she did. That's when I found out. Much later. I wasn't there for my friend. I wasn't there for my best friend of 13 years in a serious time of need. I didn't even make it to the funeral, because I didn't even know about it.
     Well, this friend just got married this past weekend. Luckily we have since made contact, and I was able to share in this joyous day. Thinking about the upcoming wedding, I began thinking about who wouldn't be there, her father. This is when I began thinking about how I wasn't there for her. I am so glad I was able to be there at the start of this next chapter in her life. I just can't seem to get over the fact that I wasn't there for her in her darkest hour. I feel so horrible. I don't know when I can forgive myself. I have this feeling of unresolved guilt that I don't know if I will ever let go of.
     I am now going to make it a point to keep in touch. There is no reason to give up on a friendship. Well, I guess is the friend is toxic and causing you harm, but in most cases, there is no reason. This friend was so close; she was not toxic at all. Why did I give up? There is not a good enough reason. I should've been there for her - through it all. Jesus wouldn't give up on a friendship, why do we? Why did I?

Let me be real...

2010-03-01T10:25:00.000-08:00

     One of my biggest dislikes, or really hates, is when people are fake. I crave authenticity in others. If I think people are not be real with me, I will probably eventually shut them out. This isn't a good habit and it's not something I'm proud of, but it's true. I feel if I want people to be real with me, I should be real too. So this post is coming from a totally honest place. I'm not sure why I'm putting it out in the blogosphere, but I am.
     Doing self reflection is something I seem to do often. I feel as a mature Christian adult, it is something I should do often. Well, I recently came to the realization that I am quite cynical of people. Most of the cynicism is directed at other Christians. I don't necessarily like this quality, but I don't know how to really change it either. The only answer I know right now is to pray.
     After doing even more reflection, I realized that this cynicism wasn't always a quality of mine. It seems to be something that has formed over time. I noticed that as a pre-teen & teen I was more judgmental of other Christians. Again, another trait of mine I'm not really proud of. I wonder if the two are sort of related? Is it a natural progression to be somewhat judgmental and then eventually turn that into cynicism?
   Here are the definitions of the two: Judgmental = Inclined to make judgments, especially moral or personal ones. Cynical = Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others; feeling of distrust.
   Again, not sure why I am posting this on here. I just know I need to be real with people. Not sure if people read this or not. I hope & pray that over time, with God's help, I can change my cynicism into hope of what Christ can do & will do through those around me. As for now, I'm trying....

Self absorbed or searching?

2010-02-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

     In today's world are we all just a little too self absorbed? Do we really think that anyone actually cares and wants to read a play by play list of our daily activities? With Myspace, Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz and all of the other "networking" sites making such a daily impact on mainstream life, does this tell us that as a whole, we are just eager to connect to others? I'm not exactly sure what it all means. Do we really read every entry that our so called "friends" write or do we just enjoy putting our own interesting (or not) thoughts out there in the mysterious beyond?
   This brings up another question...why do people blog? Some people who blog actually have hundreds, thousands, even millions of followers - and maybe they write for a whole different reason than me. Why do I write? I don't even know if anyone reads any of my blog entrys. But the truth, I like to write. I like the idea of just getting my thoughts on paper, or in this instance, into the blogosphere. Whether or not another person is reading them doesn't matter. I am not looking for validation or searching for some great debate partners. I really just want to write. Maybe one day I'll write something that I want to share with others, but for now, it's just dribble for the joy of writing.
   Back to the other question...do we really live in a more self absorbed society than that of previous generations? I don't think so; we've been self absorbed since the beginning of time. I really think everyone just wants to connect with people. That is at our core as humans; to connect. Whether we do it face to face, on the phone or on Twitter, connection is what we all desire. Trying to make a connection on Twitter may be difficult and probably a little bit egocentric, but it is still a way to attempt to connect to someone else. So are we self absorbed or searching...I say a little of both.

...Absolutely Thankful...

2010-02-19T15:05:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for my affectionate husband.
I am thankful for my adorable son.
I am thankful for my altruistic parents.
I am thankful for my adoring God.
I am thankful for my auspicious life.

New things...

2010-02-18T11:26:00.000-08:00

     I'm always a little apprehensive when it comes to trying new things. I don't usually show my anxiety to the outside world, but inside I am totally nervous and, I admit it, a little worried about what others might think. But I don't let that stop me from doing something I want to do. In fact, the wonder of what others might think may be a part of what pushes me to actually do something new and different.
   Last night I tried something new and completely different than anything I've ever done. I took a new type of work out class. I wasn't with a friend or relative; I went all by myself. It was something that some may view as inappropriate. Some may look at me a little different for even attempting this new type of art form. But I don't care. I had fun. On the way home I could even feel my abs! They had definitely had a workout!
     This morning I woke up sore from my new work out. If you are one to work out, you know when you wake up sore from a work out, it's sort of a good feeling. You feel good knowing that what you did actually made some sort of positive impact on your body. That's what I felt this morning when I woke up sore. I was so happy that I had worked out my body and had fun while doing it.
   I think I am going to continue this new work out. I'll be signing up for a six week course. Hopefully my body won't kill me for it. Trying new things is good.

Another birthday post...a few years later...

2010-02-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

     So yesterday was my birthday. I remember being younger and waking up with so much excitement on my birthday, because I was another year older! Now on my birthday, I'd rather just keep sleeping when I wake up. Not that I'm afraid of getting older, but because I just really enjoy sleeping. Also, I don't really find that much excitement in the fact that I am another year older.
     Birthdays are now just another day. I have a wonderful husband who tries to make the day special. Yesterday we had a great day spending time together during the afternoon, before he had to go to work. It was a fabulous day. But it could have just as well been something we did on an afternoon in June. What I mean by that is, there is no reason why the time we spent together was just for my birthday. We love each other & we love spending time together, so yesterday was just another day of us loving spending time together. He did get me some great gifts...but he actually gives me great gifts all the time. I'm lucky that way.
     Anyway, what I think I'm trying to say is that now that I am 31, my birthday really just seems like another day. Actually, it made me sort of reflect on age in general. I started thinking about my age and my friends ages. I thought about how in a couple of years, I will have friends who are 50 or close to 50. That is strange to think about. I still remember when my grandma was only 55 - and I thought that was old. I started thinking about my parents age. I think about how old my parents are & how they were both younger than me when they had me. Nick brought up another thought, what must my parents feel like to have their youngest child turn 31. I hadn't even thought about how my age made anyone else feel. I asked my dad about it; he said he & my mom had talked about it that morning. They had talked about how their baby was 31, and about how old that made them feel. That made me start thinking more. I started thinking about how I will feel when my son, Aaron is an adult.
   It's crazy how much thinking and reflection my 31st birthday has spawned. Maybe that's it. Maybe once you reach a certain age, 31 for me, birthdays are meant for reflection and deep thought. Maybe as an adult, birthdays are there as a reminder of who you once were, a statement of who you are now and a glimpse of who you are going to become. A day to celebrate that God has allowed you to live another year and a day to meditate on who God wants you to become.

How can I make a difference? I'm only one person.

2009-12-19T13:05:00.000-08:00

So my brother asked me if I'd seen the documentary on the Sundance Channel called "What Would Jesus Buy".

The Plot (as noted by Wikipedia): The film focuses on the issues of the commercialization of Christmas, materialism, the over-consumption in American culture, globalization, and the business practices of large corporations, as well as their economic and cultural effects on American society, as seen through the prism of activist/performance artist Bill Talen, who goes by the alias of "Reverend Billy," and his troupe of activists, whose street theater performances take the form of a church choir called "The Church of Stop Shopping," that sings anti-shopping and anti-corporate songs. The film follows Billy and his choir as they take a cross-country trip in the month prior to Christmas 2005, and spread their message against what they perceive as the evils of patronizing the retail outlets of several different large corporate chains.

I haven't seen it. But from what my brother was describing, it isn't anything new. Nothing that should come as a surprise today. From my brother's description, I was reminded of a documentary on the fashion industry that I watched on HBO just a few months back called Schmatta: Rags to Riches to Rags.

The Plot (according to HBO.com): Schmatta: Rags To Riches To Rags brings to life the vibrant, unexpected history of the Garment District which for many years was the heart and soul of Midtown Manhattan, but is now in danger of disappearing. For thousands of immigrants the garment industry was a path to their American Dream, but today most of those jobs are gone. A microcosm of the economic and social forces transforming our nation over the past one hundred years, Schmatta: Rags To Riches To Rags tells the story of this vanishing industry through the voices of the people who have experienced its highs and lows.

Both of these documentaries show how, as a way to keep being profitable, corporations have moved production to countries other than the USA. By doing this, people in the USA have lost jobs, some companies have had to shut down and the people in the other countries are being exploited. Majority of the people making the clothes we all wear, the shoes we have to have, the toys we buy our kids & pretty much everything we use are being made by kids ages 8 - 11 years old. These kids are paid like 9 cents an hour and that wage usually supports them and their family. If any person tries to organize some sort of union for these kids, that person & possibly their family are harmed, sometimes killed.

So how do we stop this? I'm pretty sure most, if not all people would say the treatment of these kids is horrific. But yet we all continue to buy things made in China, India, Sri Lanka, Guatemala, etc. I would love to buy only American made, if that means somehow helping others, especially these kids. But is that actually possible? I don't know? Also, if I do it, will it really make that much of a difference? I'm only one person?! I don't think me alone will make a difference.

So I'm asking anybody out there....how can I make a difference, I'm only one person?

Hello, out there...

2009-11-23T23:41:00.000-08:00

I'm assuming that I am writing this to no one. I mean it has been over 3 years since I've posted to this site. But I just felt like blogging, so here I am.

So much has changed in my life since I last posted. I am now a mom. Of a two year old! My little monkey was born November 18, 2007 and my life has not been the same since. I am a stay at home mom now. We also now live in a house. No more apartment living for me. All of the changes have been great blessings to my husband and I.

I'm not really sure what I want to get out of this blog anymore or why I am even writing here...but I'm doing it.

I really just want to say one thing...I am sick of fake people. Mostly I am tired of people who say they are not self centered and that they just want to do for others, but when you watch them and look at their life, it is all about them and what they can get from others. I try to not be like this. If I'm feeling selfish, I'm not going to tell you otherwise. I hate to be judgmental, but really it just gets under my skin to see people who parade around like they are the greatest gifts to the earth, and then watch them take advantage of their own family and friends. It is just ridiculous. I really would like to talk to these types of people and tell them how they make their family and friends feel when they use them. But most of the time, people like this know how to manipulate the conversation and don't let you finish your thought before interrupting and changing the subject. Ok...that was a mouthful! Sorry for the rant....obviously it is something that is really eating at my brain!

Alright...I guess I'm done for this moment.

Motherhood takes a lot of my time and so does being a wife. So I don't know how often I'll even write. I just know that I love to write, so maybe I'll be back.

Not sure...

2006-09-14T00:34:00.000-07:00

I think I might start blogging here again.

I don't know, but why not? I do blog on myspace, but maybe I'll do it here too. That is if I can find the time!

We'll see?

Birthdays...

2006-02-16T08:07:00.000-08:00

So today is my birthday. I know I'm not old, but in my head, for me, I'm getting there...I'm only 27, but that just doesn't seem the age I am?! Does that make sense? Probably not! Oh well. Today my very first phone call was from my nieces...Shelbylyn, Helayna & Kristen...they all three sang Happy Birthday on my voice mail & then all wished me the best; their mom, Tonyalyn, also said a little something. It was a wonderful message to hear to start my day. I am saving it on my phone for any days that aren't going well...they are all so sweet! I love them! :) I don't really know how I'm going to spend my day after I get off of work at 12:15pm, but I know it's going to be a good day - no matter what! :) Hope everyone else has an excellent day! :)

New job!

2006-01-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

So I had three interviews this week. They were all at elementary schools in Torrance. They were all for the same position - Instructional Aide, Computer Lab Assistant....one was yesterday & two were today. Well, Nick & I just got home from dinner & the one that I liked the best called & left a message on the machine! The principal offered me the job! She said she almost hired me on the spot, but figured she should at least call one reference. Wow! What an answer to prayer! I'm so excited to start working at a school...to be working toward my goal of being a teacher...and it is in the district I want to some day teach in! Praise God! I'll be working at Riviera Elementary School. I can't wait!!! :)

Strange bird...

2006-01-04T18:05:00.000-08:00

Check out this poor bird...he has no feet. He only has little nubs. He kind of has 2 peg legs...so he's a pirate bird! I wonder what happened to him? Maybe a shark ate his feet. Or maybe he wasn't born with any feet. Poor bird.

Christmas is over...but the gifts keep giving!

2005-12-30T13:56:00.000-08:00

I love to give people gifts at Christmas...but who I am kidding, it's nice to get stuff too! Here a some of my favorite gifts....

My husband got me...a new coach purse! I love it...it is so cute! :)

He also gave me a black ipod nano. He gave me a gift card for itunes too.

I was also lucky enough to receive a Southern California Disneyland Resort Passport!! I am so excited about this one!! Now, Nick has to get one!

This is another one that I am really excited about...the Sex in the City Complete Series DVD Set!! Thanks, Dad!

I guess I am really excited about all of them!! Thanks, everyone!!! Hope you had a great Christmas & enjoy the New Year!

I did it!

2005-12-14T15:58:00.000-08:00

I think I did anyway...I finished all of my Christmas shopping! Last week I had none of it done. I did almost all of it today! I'm so happy! Now I have to wrap it all. Oh well, at least I don't have to go out to the malls anymore to shop, only to people watch...that is fun to do, especially around Christmas time. Lots of people with puzzled & frantic looks on their faces. It's great!

writing #7

2005-11-03T17:11:00.000-08:00

The leaves are falling fast now, the seasons seem to change so quickly; much like my life.
The life I live through You is so much different than the one before.
I finally see that it's only
Through You I can see love,
Through You I can be love,
Through You I can be someone who helps those in need.

If it's Your grace that sets us free & the knowledge of You is all we need,
Then why are there so many around who say they know You & talk about Your grace but still seem to fade into the crowd?
When will they see it really is
Through You they can see love,
Through You they can be love,
Through You they can reach out to help those in need.

If we really believe in Your grace & love, we should shout it to the lost around us.
If we really want to be Your servants we should let Your love lead our lives.
Help us Lord, to really show them that
Through You we can see love,
Through You we can be love,
Through You we can be the ones reaching out to those in need.

Sunsets are nice...maybe I need to wake up early & see the sunrise?!?

2005-10-20T18:43:00.000-07:00

Another picture of the beautiful sunset.

I love the beach!

2005-10-14T00:39:00.000-07:00

The beach is a wonderful place! Although on our past couple of trips we have seen couples making out under blankets and/or in cars, in the middle of the day, a young couple smoking pot while holding a toddler amidst the smoke and many other interesting sights, the beach is still such a beautiful place! The ocean sounds alone are enough to keep me coming back. When you add in the sights and scents - I am definitely blessed to live so close to the ocean. I think I really need to take it in a lot more! Not too mention, when we go to Redondo Beach Pier, we sometimes get a churro...and these are the best churros ever! They are made fresh right there & they are better than any churro I've ever had! But yeah, I'm definitely a beach lover! Not a lay-out-in-the-sand-and-feel-dirty lover, but a go-to-the-beach-and-soak-in-the-beauty lover!! On our last visit I took a couple of pictures as the sun was going down...I posted some on my previous post. I think the sunset has to be one of the best models - it is constantly giving the photographer sublte changes that make each shot it's very own.

The beautiful ocean...

2005-10-14T00:37:00.000-07:00

Life is good now...

2005-09-28T14:26:00.000-07:00

Well, last night was my first practice back as a member of the praise team. It actually went rather well. I am excited to be back!! I feel like this is where I am supposed to be - I just have a real peace & happiness about it. I'm thankful that God is able to use me. Thanks for you prayers in this transition time...keep praying for me & my church. Thanks! I know there is lots more in store for my church. We are getting ready for the 40 Days of Community...I know there are people who are not looking forward to the campaign. While this frustrates me & saddens me, I would ask that you would pray for the leaders to not be discouraged & for the people of my church to participate...even those grumpy people who never participate in anything & who are already complaining about doing something new! Thanks!!! :)

New direction...

2005-09-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, so after lots of praying, thinking & talking to others, I decided to join the praise team again. I really missed singing & felt that's where God wanted me. I know I'm going to miss the nursery, but I was also beginning to miss being in sunday services. I am still going to be the person who organizes the volunteers for both the infant & toddler nurseries & I am the person in charge of making sure both nurseries are stocked with the proper supplies & all that stuff. I start singing again on Oct. 2nd...I'm excited, but it may be a little strange too, since there have been some changes since I left (new people & some of the old people doing different stuff)...I just hope everything goes good.

Frustration...

2005-09-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

I have been pretty frustrated lately with the lack of communication and leadership among certain "leaders" at my church. I am feeling that there are certain areas that maybe I need to step up and take leadership...but I'm not too sure? Please pray that God will show me where He wants me. I know He wants me serving Him & He wants me serving His people, but I'm having a little trouble figuring out exactly where...just pray for me. Thanks! :)

Written by my Grandma, Betty Allen...

2005-09-02T12:04:00.000-07:00

My grandmother was a manic depressive. She wrote a book of her life (it's not published yet, but I hope to someday publish it) and as I was going through the pages, I came across this...it is like a prose almost or a story about her disease....One Hell of A Ride on the Roller Coaster....When I woke up that morning, I thought it was just another day. Was I ever in for a suprise? My old friend who lives somewhere inside my brain had decided to take me for a long trip. This monster is not like the ones you see and or ride in an amusement park. This demon takes control of your every waking moment. You might as well just sit back and enjoy the trip. Sometimes it takes you shopping and you buy everything you see, whether you need it or not. This time it decided we would clean the house, every single nook and cranny. I don't mean just using the sweeper and dusting. Nothing that simple, we would wash every single thing in the house or the yard. He kept me going all night and all day. I didn't even take time to eat or sleep. Two or sometimes I slept as much as three hours. He kept me going until I could barely make it up the stairs to go to bed. There were nights I had to crawl up the steps, but he showed me no mercy. I got so tired I would fall. I would cut myself and I made large sores on my hands. I bruised my knees until I was just about unable to get up when I sat down. I had always had beautiful fingernails. I abused my hands and tried to hide them so no one could see. We had to go to a social function of some sort and I went to the drug store and bought fake nails and glued them on. We need to name this monster, we can't go just saying the monster. The lowest, meanest thing I can think of is a copperhead snake, so we will just call him Red. Old Red never let up. He made me clean everything in the upstairs; there are three bedrooms and a shower up there. He made me clean all the closets and arrange the clothes in the room that I Had made into a walk-in closet. The clothes must be arranged by color, then skirts, blouses, dresses and everything else. Why he cared about this is beyond my comprehension. Then we started on the jewelry - it had to be put in it's own space. Red just drove me like a slave. I was on this hellish ride and couldn't get off. God have pity on anyone who gets in Red's way. He will just step on them and grind them under his feet. He is not a pretty sight. I haven't seen him but I know how he looks, with his copper bands and his eyes with their crossive slits. I hate him with a vengence, but that just makes him work me harder. It just about drives my darling husband, Neal, crazy. Sometimes I think he understands. He knows I am being driven to do all of these stupid things, but way down inside, I do not think he can comprehend how it really is. I hope he never finds out. Red is always there just waiting for me to jump on the roller coaster. Then he knows that he will take control and make me do some very stupid things. He will make me go shopping and I buy anything I happen to like for that day. Sometime after the first time I was really manic, in 1991, I started watching the Home Shopping Club and wasted about three thousand dollars on junk jewelry. My daughter, Diane and I went to look at some furniture for her house. She didn't buy anything, but Old Red made me get two lazy boy chairs and a new refrigerator. I just whipped out the old plastic...it would get me anything I wanted. Just whip out old plastic and bingo, it would get me anything I happened to want for that moment. That's all that was written...I know there are some edits necessary and it probably was going to go on and become a story, but that's all I've got. But it does shed a little light on how a person who is manic depressive feels at times. It gives a bit of insight how a person feels out of control and not themselves when they are depressed. This has helped me and my views on suicide. My grandma didn't committ suicide, but she has since passed. However, this writing helps me to see how some people I know who have died of suicide, or those who have attempted it, may have felt. Just wanted to share it with others.

Why me?

2005-08-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

Ok...so I thought I had a fever blister outbreak on my chest. It seemed like I had a bunch of fever blisters, so I thought I'd go to the doctor, get some medicine and it would be all good. Well, I was wrong. The doctor informed me it was not fever blisters, but rather it was shingles! Yep, you read that correctly, shingles, I have shingles. It started last Tuesday & I found out last Thursday from the Dr. He prescribed some medicine for me and it is slowly going away. But since I volunteer in the infant nursery at church, I had to find someone else to do it for me Sunday...it seems I am contagious, and little babies could've gotten chicken pox from me. I looked up a little online about shingles and I found out the following increase your risk for shingles:

Being over the age of 50. (okay, I'm only 26??)
Having a weakened immune system due to another disease, such as diabetes or HIV infection. (I don't have any diseases?!?)
Developing chickenpox prior to age 1. (hmmm...I did have chickenpox when I was almost a year old or so, I think?!?)
Having Hodgkin's lymphoma. Up to 25% of people with Hodgkin's lymphoma develop shingles. (yeah, this doesn't apply to me either?!?)

But as I said, the medication that I have to take 5 times a day is working and the outbreak seems to be slowly going away. I just thought that was a very random thing! Random things are always happening to me! I guess that's just the way life goes! :)

Thought of the moment...

2005-08-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

"God calls us to be faithful; God doesn't call us to be successful!" - Barbara Johnson

What's up with those?!

2005-08-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

Man, what are up with the comments that are really ads?!?? They are really annoying! How can I stop them from being posted? Does anyone know? For now I'll just have to delete them.

writing #6

2005-08-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

Baby within me; you are only a dream now.
You are a hope of what will one day come.
The love you represent is beautiful and genuine.
How miraculous you are.
Baby within me; one day I will feel you kick.
I will learn your yes’s and no’s.
You will share your hopes and fears with me.
How creative you are.
Baby within me; you will teach me many things.
I don’t know your name or when you will arrive,
But you already have my love and my acceptance.
How adored you are.
Baby within me; one day you will love.
You will learn about Jesus love and how He made you.
I pray you will share that love with others.
How blessed am I.

Back to the gym...

2005-08-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

So for the past couple of weeks I've been going back to the gym. I actually stopped my membership at L.A. Fitness & decided to join one of those women's gyms - it's like Curves, you know where the whole workout routine is pretty much laid out for you & it's a good workout. :) I go to Ladies Workout Express. It's cheaper than L.A. Fitness per month - I'm saving $20/month! Also I enjoy it more & I really feel like I am working out. I also want to get back into running. While I was a cheerleader in high school our trainer had us running at least a mile (4 laps) every day. While we ran the laps around the track, we also had to run the bleachers as part of the lap. Well, a few weeks ago, I don't know what I was thinking, but I went to my old high school & tried to do the same thing I did when I was an in-shape-high-school-cheerleader. Needless to say, I only did one lap, not four or more like I used to. After that first lap, I really thought I was going to pass out!! I thought I was having an asthma attack...and I don't even have asthma!! I was very frustrated that I barely made it around the track one time doing the bleachers. But after talking about that with Nick & my dad, I realize that was stupid! Of course I couldn't make it!! I'm out of shape! So now I have a new goal - to eventually make it around 4 laps (w/bleachers) like I did in high school. I have to start slow. So today, after my workout at the gym, when I got out of my car, I ran one time around my apartment complex...it's a pretty good size complex. I'm guessing it's pretty close to one lap (w/o bleachers). So I'm on my way! Wish me luck!!

Last night I drove around & took pictures...

2005-08-08T17:14:00.000-07:00

Pirate parties...

2005-08-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

Pirate parties are fun...but just remember, when it's 105 degrees outside & your air conditioner is broken, you are going to get sweaty. Just ask Jacob (the cute little one not looking to happy.)

Found the treasure!

Eye'n more treasure...

...oh yeah, don't forget the cool cake!

See, not so happy when it's hot!

Still hot, sweaty and not so happy!

I passed!

2005-08-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

Going to school online has it's ups & downs, one of the things I like about going to an actual classroom is that you have that bit of competitive drive to try and do better than the people in your class; that drive to try and be the best at everything. Well, although that is missing, I still get good reviews from my mentor. I heard from my mentor that I passed my first final exam. It was really easy, but she said I passed with an excellent score & to keep up the good work! That's encouraging news! :) I am all set to take another final in a couple of weeks. If I could just complete all my math assignments I'd be set! I just need to stay focused...it's so hard! Oh well, I know I have to do it, so I will! :)

Those were the days...

2005-07-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

Me & my daddy...

Writing #5

2005-07-24T15:22:00.000-07:00

The preacher gives a message
And we all feel so elated,
But once I get back home,
My world is devastated.
While the horror grows I try to
Focus on the cross;
Never look to the past;
Try not to compare;
Change the complaints to love;
Grasp hold of His grace.

"Walking daily in His word,"
It's so much easier to say.
The hate and selfish feelings
Seem to surface every day.
I try to tell myself to
Focus on the cross;
Never look to the past;
Try not to compare;
Change the complaints to love;
Grasp hold of His grace.

We all just want the peace Christ freely gives -
Why is it so hard sometimes to just let go of all of life's troubles and
Focus on the cross;
Never look to the past;
Try not to compare;
Change the complaints to love;
Grasp hold of His grace.

GOT MILK?

2005-07-18T12:35:00.000-07:00

I couldn't resist the cheesy title...this was Keira's first Oreo cookie. Her mommy wasn't around while she was eating it, so I had to take some pics for her. Man, Keira loved that cookie!

I'm alive...I really am!

2005-07-17T20:14:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written in like a month...but I've been really busy. It seems like I have less time now than I did before, when I had a full time job?!?! It's really crazy?! Anyway, today I was able to attend the wedding of Sharon Wishard & Kevin Keeton. It's always nice to go to a wedding, but I think it's even better when you think the couple are made for eachother...and I think these two are perfect for eachother. It was a nice day to have a wedding too. The sun was shining, but there was a nice breeze; after the wedding there was yummy cake that everyone ate while standing & sitting around out on the church lawn. After that, a small group of family and friends went to the park to enjoy the beautiful day & to celebrate the wedding of Kevin & Sharon. It was a great day for a picnic in the park! The newlyweds are so happy! It's just so great to see them both so happy! Ok...well enough rambling! I'll have to post something about what's going in my life later...not too much of interest to post though?!

Smile

2005-06-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

This song keeps going throught my head...it's from the movie My Girl...actually I think it's from My Girl 2...

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by, if you smile through your fears and sorrows
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through if you
Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just, smile

...I like that song! :) Although, when you really think about the song, it's not too good of an idea to just hide your feelings and pretend to be happy all the time. It really is a bad thing to smile when you feel like crying and to hide every trace of sadness...but now that I think about it, I think lots of people are really like this...I know I am like that a lot to many people...but at least I'm not like that to Nick. I can never hide how I'm feeling from him, even if I try! :) He sees right through it!

New stuff...

2005-06-15T23:14:00.000-07:00

Today I got a new laptop...or notebook, as they are mostly called nowadays. I can't wait to put it to some use, but I'm supposed to let it charge first.

Can't sleep...Writing #4...I think...

2005-06-08T03:19:00.000-07:00

Perfect, what I thought it would be.
A dream-like place you can't get enough of.
An embrace that sends flutters to the center of your being.
The kiss that invites sweet songs to your mind.
It becomes comfortable; it becomes real.
It is what it is - the hope of what it can be.
It is beautiful in a warped view.
It is imperfect.

Secure with my life...

2005-05-31T10:56:00.000-07:00

I feel a little like a housewife today, for the first time since I've been married. I don't have a job that I'm supposed to be at today, I'm supposed to be here, in my house. So I went to the gym, I'm going to wash clothes & I'm going to finally try to finish scrapbooking the pictures from our wedding. Oh & I also need to vacuum & wash a few dishes. I think I like feeling like a housewife...but I'm not sure if my checking account is going to like it? Oh well. I start my online classes tomorrow, June 1st. The first class that I have to take is a course which basically assesses how well you can use the internet & stuff. So it shouldn't be too difficult at all. After that course is finished, I can get into the courses I'm going to need for my teaching degree. I'm so excited! I can't wait to see what my life will be like in 5 years. But I am not going to put any ideas into my head...I'm going to just see where the Lord leads me. It's fun to see what adventures God places in our lives. It also gives me a sense of security, even though I don't know what's coming....that sounds a little weird, but it's so true. :)

The good ole days...

2005-05-27T16:27:00.000-07:00

I found this picture on my dad's computer. I thought it was so cute. It's hard to believe we were all so small...it's my brother, Chris, my sister, Sonja & me...I'm the little baby with huge eyes. Every time I've ever seen this picture it always makes me giggle...look how hard Sonja is holding on to the carpet...it's like she's about to fall...I wonder what happened after the flash? :)

Aren't they cute!

2005-05-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

The three little ones below are who I have spent the last several sunday mornings with...they are the three babies I have in the nursery during Sunday School and morning service. They are so adorable. I really feel blessed to spend the mornings with them. I'm thankful that God has brought so many new changes into my life. Who knows what will be next? I will be starting my classes toward becoming a teacher either June 1st or July 1st...it really depends on how the whole financial aid thing turns out. I am also going to really be done with Compex this week...friday is the last day! I'm glad that I will be done with it, but the pay check will definitely be missed. I know the Lord will provide, but it will be different for awhile. Oh well...again, aren't they so cute!!! :)

2005-05-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

Keira

2005-05-25T15:50:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth

2005-05-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

Emilie

Last day as a CSR for Compex!

2005-05-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

Today is my official last day working as a Customer Service Rep in the Special Services department at Compex! I am happy that it is finally over...but I have agreed to come back in for the next 2 weeks as a consultant. I will be coming in for only 4 hours a day to train the new hires. Of course when offered the opportunity, I said I'd think about it. They offered me more money, of course & said I could come in 4 or 5 hours a day. I came back with a response that I would work from 8:30am - 12:30pm & I asked for more money than they offered. They said, "It's a deal!" So now I'll be working here for 2 more weeks...but it will be different, cause I'll only be here for 4 hours a day. And I won't be doing the work, I'll be training & looking over other people's work. I'm still going to get my final paycheck today & I already signed all of the exit papers. Next step, I'm clearing my desk...then it will seem real, when I have an empty cubicle! :)

2005-05-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

Happy Mom's day!!

Reflections...

2005-05-06T23:52:00.000-07:00

Puddles make good mirrors.

Maya Angelou said this...

2005-05-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life."
"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both
hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

2005-04-27T18:01:00.001-07:00

Don't you wonder what little Fiona is looking at? I think she's actually looking at herself in the mirror. Already a little prima donna & she isn't even 2!! :)

2005-04-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

She is just too cute!

2005-04-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

- KEEP ON POPE'IN! - I'm not Catholic...but this is a pretty big deal, so I thought I'd post it!

2005-04-18T14:03:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here at work, just in my own world. I am not here, really. My mind is thinking about so many other things that I could be doing that I would enjoy so much more. On my lunch break I went by my church and started to put together a new baby thing for the baby nursery. It is a bouncer…I bought it on Saturday, but I didn’t have time to put it together before Sunday. So I want to put it together sometime today. I think I’ll go back tonight to finish it. I also wish I could be at home cleaning house & finishing laundry – which is sort of crazy…who wants to be at home cleaning & doing laundry? It really sounds strange, but I would rather be there then here! Once I finish cleaning house, maybe I could finally sit down and start scrapbooking my wedding. That would be fun! Oh yeah, and then there is the entrance exam that I need to complete for the online school I’m considering attending to obtain my teaching degree….so much to do and I am stuck here. I am so excited that I will only be working here until May 13; I am so excited to see what my future holds; I am so excited to move on; I am so excited to just completely trust in the Lord with all of my heart & leave everything up to Him; I am just so excited!!

2005-04-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

Silly fun in the back of a van!

I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!

2005-04-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

This was taken in Canada a long time ago...when were just in high school, dating & serving on a youth team with our church. We were in Canada helping out with a camp for little Native American kids...this was a weekend where we got to explore what was around Canada. I think this was at Lake Missinipi...or something like that.

Help people out...

2005-04-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

Check this out...it seems like a good start to something!
www.one.org

Life may be coming together after all!

2005-04-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

Ok...so I'm really frustrated with my current job at Compex. I've been thinking and praying a whole lot about a part-time job coming my way & about going back to school to get my teaching degree. I think everything is falling into place. I'm going through the enrollment process with an online school & everything looks great there. I also have two different job possibilities that will both be way better than sitting in a cubicle all day. Also, I am may be taking on a new leadership role at church as the Nursery Attendant for the infant nursery. I'm really trying to find a place where I can lead a ministry...and this one may fit perfectly! Please keep praying for me. Thanks!

I think I'm dying a slow death...

2005-04-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

I've felt like crap for almost 2 weeks now! Every morning I feel like I'm going to cough to death!! It's crazy! Oh well...I'm sure I'll get better sometime soon! I need to go to the doctor, I think.

A new baby!

2005-04-02T23:03:00.000-08:00

My friend Darla gave birth to her second baby today. A little girl named Rayna...I'm not too sure on the spelling yet or the middle name...I think it was going to be Jade. She's not so little...9lbs & 9 oz & 22 inches long! Her proud daddy, Chad called to let Nick & I know; unfortunately he had to leave a message so we didn't get to talk to him, so we couldn't ask details, but we'll call him sometime later. I'm so happy for them! They now have the perfect family...a little boy & a little girl. :) God really does do miraculous things!! At first they had some difficulties getting pregnant...when they got pregnant with Seth, he was the little miracle baby they had been trying & trying for...and then, to be able to be blessed with another baby - Rayna is truly another miracle! Praise God! I can't wait to be able to see pictures of her...I wish I could go visit, but who knows?

I also got a new camera! I have a regular film camera, but only Nick had a digital...& it's kind of old. Well, now I have my own digital. When Melissa - one of my good friends - was here visiting, she got a cool camera for her birthday. Well, it made me start looking into cameras & I found a cool deal online for one that looks a lot like hers...it may be the same...I'm not too sure? Anyway...I can't wait to try it out & start taking some pictures! Too bad I'm not too sure how to put pictures up on this page yet, but I'll figure it out.

I also got an application for this job that I'm thinking about. It's with a school district, working in the district office. I'm not too sure about it, but maybe? It's a pretty good paying, part-time job. I also applied to the online school I've been thinking about...I'm going to try to get my teaching degree & become an elementary teacher. I regret not going into that right after high school...but better late than never!

I know this is a lot, but I haven't posted in awhile!!! Also, I'm pretty excited about my day! But, the only thing that really sucks about this weekend is that we lose an hour, which means it's really not 11:15pm, it's 12:15pm...which means, I need to try to get to sleep so I can wake up & get to Sunday School on time, so the little kids I teach won't be hiding under the table when I finally get to class! Ok...well, until next time....

Aaarrrrggghhh!!

2005-03-11T16:16:00.000-08:00

Can I go home yet?!? I am really getting burned out here at work! I definitely need to look into doing something else with my life...because this is driving me mad!! Pray for me, please!!! I am trying to figure out where God wants me; pray that He'll show me soon!

So much for the plan...

2005-03-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm lame! I totally messed up my plan of writing at least once a week...but I've been pretty busy lately. I had an awesome weekend at Women's Retreat this past weekend...I'll talk more about that later. Just wanted to say, yes, I'm alive.

I'm leaving town...

2005-02-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

Going to Virginia of all places. Nick & I are going to visit Darla & Chad (& Seth too)...it will be so fun! I'm so excited to have a week off of work!!! YIPPEEEEEE!!!!

My b-day is coming...

2005-02-15T16:37:00.000-08:00

it's tomorrow!

Happy Love Day!

2005-02-15T08:43:00.000-08:00

So last night I had a great night! My husband & I don’t make too big of a deal of Valentine’s day…we love each other every day! But my birthday & his birthday are this month, so we can’t get too out of control on gifts. Anyway, when I got home, Nick was already cooking dinner – we had Veal & Risotto…it was yummy! We even had a little wine with our dinner. See we’ve got some wine in the fridge that we never drink, so last night when I went to grab the water out of the fridge, I thought since it was Valentine’s day, we’d drink wine. Anyway, we then had planned to go rent a movie…well, we got there and had no idea what we would rent, so we looked around for what seemed like an hour…it was probably only half an hour. Anyway, it was finally between Maid in Manhattan (which I’d already seen) and Shall We Dance (which neither of us have seen)…yes, a JLo night…we decided on Shall We Dance since neither of us had seen it. We went up to the counter & realized we didn’t have a membership, so I started to fill out the application & the guy behind the counter said they only had Shall We Dance on VHS….VHS!!! Who uses those anymore?! We have a VCR, but it’s not on the big T.V….so we then decided we’d just get Maid in Manhattan….but I didn’t really want to & Nick could tell…I continued filling out the application & when I got to the line that asked for your Social Security #, Nick said, “Why do they need that? That’s dumb. Let’s just go.” I quickly said, “Ok,”…because I didn’t really want that movie anyway! So we decided we’d just see what was on HBO/Cinemax/Showtime on Demand since those are free. We chose a movie & then we were going to get ready to make our milkshakes. Then we realized it was Monday….that means Las Vegas was on….and it was a new one….so there went the idea of a movie….we love our Las Vegas!!! Anyway, we made some yummy coffee vanilla chocolate chip milkshakes and then watched our favorite T.V. show together! It was nice. I had a wonderful time! We also just spent some quiet time together after our show…we just enjoyed each other. I love my husband!! Oh yeah, we did get gifts for each other…we didn’t really exchange them, we rather left them out for each other…when I got up, Nick was asleep & he had set my gift out for me when he got home from work at 5:00am…he got me a really pretty pin or broach that I wanted & a necklace I told him I liked – both from Banana Republic. I had set his gift out for him the night before, knowing he’d be home in the am…I got him the Rocky DVD collection along with a cute stuffed monkey…see he wants a real monkey, so the a stuffed one will just have to do. Anyway…I hope everyone had a great Valentine’s day….regardless of if you are married or not. I also hope everyone remembers every day should be a love day…not just February 14th!

In His Hands...

2005-02-08T16:50:00.000-08:00

I know my life is in God's hands. I know He is in control. But lately I think I've started to try to sit on top of Him in the driver's seat instead of just sitting next to Him in the passenger's seat. I've recently realized to scoot over & let Him do His thing...but I wish I knew what that was going to be?!? I am really just sick of jobs that seem to be pointless. By pointless I mean not so important in regards to "The Main Thing" - you know, people and their lives & why we were put on this earth - weren't we put here to serve the Lord & others? I think I need a job where I feel like I am teaching people or showing them something about the Lord...or I need a job where I feel that I am making a difference in someone's life. I guess I should've stuck with the job I used to want...when I was in high school I sometimes thought about being a teacher...I think I should've stuck that one out...at least then I'd feel like I'm leaving some sort of an impact on someone's life. Who knows? I think I just need to wait on the Lord right now & just keep being joyful & know that in His time, however long it may be, He will reveal His plans to me.

9 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!

2005-02-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

Whoo hoo!
Wait, is that really exciting anymore??

12 DAYS UNTIL MY VACATION!!! YIPPEEEEE!!!
Now that's exciting!

People & work...

2005-02-07T15:18:00.000-08:00

I think people take their jobs too seriously! Like at my work, people let their job ruin their mood. They let their job stress them out. They let their job determine if they will sleep good or not. I think that's crazy! Don't get me wrong, I take my job seriously, in the way that I do my work, but in the grand scheme of life - unless you are a doctor, teacher or a preacher - your job isn't really that important! Oh well...just my opinion!

New Piercing

2005-01-28T15:22:00.000-08:00

I got my lip pierced! It's not really my lip, it's on my upper lip & they call it a beauty mark piercing. It's on my left side. It's cool...I like it. But right now it's still healing so it's a little swollen sometimes & sometimes it's a little red. I hope it gets better soon! Oh well! :)

I'm so happy!!!!

2005-01-20T17:59:00.000-08:00

I finally got my new lipstick! I know, pretty lame thing to be happy about, but I had to order it from New York. See when I visited New York with my fashion class we visited a make-up studio & got discounts on the make-up. Well, I found this lipstick & fell in love with it! I used it until there was nothing left...I've been using a lipstick brush to scrape the bottom of the tube for almost a year now! Anyway, I had looked online before, but they didn't sell it online...well, they finally have an online store! YEAH! So I bought some last week & got it today!!! YEAH!!!! It's Wisteria by Il-Makiage...it's the best!

What the heck?

2005-01-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

What's up with me? I think I need to start some happy stuff! After reading my writings on this page, it just seems like they are so depressing! Ok...so soon I will write something happy. That's my new goal. Or at least something that leaves you feeling content after reading it!! Sorry for whoever reads this!

writing#3

2005-01-12T18:45:00.000-08:00

I can't turn it off.
It just won't go away.
It's so loud; it rings throughout my mind, always.
It's as loud as the steady bass drum in a marching band.
Yet it's as quiet as a mountaintop in the dead of winter.
This noise I can't turn off is the silence that yells at me constantly.
It's the silence I hear when I try to map out my future.
It's the silence I hear when I cry myself to sleep.
It's the silence I hear when I tell myself, "Everything will work out for the best."
This silence rings out like melodious angels at times.
And still other times it sounds like shrieking demons.
The silence is always there.
It will never go away.
The silence is just a part of me.

RAIN!!!

2005-01-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

I love the rain...I hope it rains all day! Lately when it rains, it will rain all night while I'm asleep & a little in the morning, but then by lunch it's all bright & sunny. Today I hope it keeps on raining. I love the rain!

The week is almost over...

2005-01-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

Ok...so I said I was going to try to type at least once a week, and every night this week I told myself that I would type something. Well, obviously I didn't listen to myself until tonight! This week was pretty interesting....at work there was a huge lay-off, that included my cool boss, Row. She was planning on leaving anyway, so it wasn't too bad because I knew it was coming soon, but it's going to be way different without her! My sister is working with me right now, but she will be quitting soon...her family & her are probably going to be moving to Hemet, CA. I say only old people and white trash live in Hemet, but I guess my cute nephews aren't white trash...it just sucks that they'll be moving even further than they are now. I hope I still see them a lot?!? Work is going to be changing. Who knows if it will be for the good? I am actually hoping to find something fun & exciting to do...you know like a job change. I really want to have a job that I love; I want to do something that excites me & interests me. I guess I just have to keep praying. Well, I am at my parents right now...my nephews are spending the night here, so I am going to go visit with them...who knows how often I'll see them in the near future!

writing#2

2005-01-01T17:12:00.000-08:00

She is so enraged. She is so disappointed. She is so sad. She is so empty.
Who does he think he is?
She is an adult! She is a mother!
He can't treat her like that; he can't treat her like he is her father - worse than a father!
She never disrepects him. She makes sure all of his needs are met; she makes sure he is always happy.
What about her? Who is going to make sure she is happy?
She always thought her husband would make her happy.
But what happens now?
He makes her feel worthless.
He makes her feel like a frightened child.
Is she going to just stand there and let him treat her that way?
She will cry tonight. She will dream of another place and time.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow she will wake up again, as mommy, as sister and yes, as wife.
She will pretend like everything is wonderful.
But he will be there, in the morning.

writing#1 (the writing stuff will be in the color below)

2005-01-01T17:03:00.000-08:00

She sees him yet he is so far away.
He holds her tight; she feels all alone.
She doesn't need his touch, his gentle kiss or his strong embrace.
She needs his words, his support, his encouragement.
She longs to hear him say, "I love you."
She anticipates his smile accompanied by, "I believe in you."
She wants so much to catch him utter, "You are so beautiful!"
Maybe she is being selfish; maybe she should tell him how lonely she feels.
She wants him to communicate his feelings to her with words, not just actions.
She knows he loves her; she knows he supports her; she knows he thinks she's gorgeous.
But knowing these things don't make her loneliness disappear.
She wants to hear these things.
Just once.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (my entries will be in purple)

2005-01-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

Ok...so I am going to try to post something at least once a week. I started to say every day, but I think that may be too much too soon. I'll try to do one whenever I can, but I'm going to say once a week to start this New Year off right.

I have really been wanting to write a lot lately, but I haven't. I have been thinking of different things to write about while laying in bed at night, trying to go to sleep...so maybe I will just use this blog as a little journal to write whatever, whenever I can. We'll see?!

I think I'll do writings & entries...like stuff I think about writing, I'll try to put on here and then I'll do journal entries too...yeah, that's it!

Happy New Year! If anyone even reads this!